Have you ever had the echoes of what someone has said about you keep repeating over and over in your head? You can’t seem to shut it out.

• “You’re wrong!”
• “That’s a stupid idea!”
• “You don’t do things right!”
• “There’s something wrong with you!”
• “You’re incapable!”

The worst part is, it has made you upset and extremely emotional. That’s all you feel and think about all day.

We’re bound to have people upset us with their words!

Some people are all too ready to express their negative opinions in a nasty way.

 A lot of us suffer from caring too much about what others think.

We don’t like to be judged and we want other people to like and approve of us.

How much is too much? Why care about what others think to the point that it ruins our day and even holds us back to the things we truly want to do?

Can we learn to not let others’ words hurt us?

Try using the following three tactics to drastically decrease your sensitivity to others words. With time and practice, you may actually be surprised at the results this will help you achieve.

1.  Replace it with a positive thought

When someone insults us or says something which we completely disagree with, it keeps repeating in our heads over and over.  We rationalize it, reason with it and analyze it…which ends up keeping us emotionally involved with the words, and therefore gives them more power.

Realize that someone else’s thoughts and words are not the “gospel” truth. Accept that they may have their point of view depending on how they are feeling in that moment but you don’t have to internalize their feelings.  You can block theirs out and choose your own point of view and feelings.

Replace their words with positive ones.  No one is perfect; we all have human errors and limitations.  The key is to focus on our positives.  Think optimistically about all that you do have going for you.  Think optimistically about your future.

You have a choice in what you think.  Your mind is your mind, so take control of your thoughts.

Choose to let their words go and replace them with ones that make you feel “good” about you!

2.  Stand up for yourself!

We often make the pain of other people’s words worse by not standing up for ourselves. We suppress what we think and feel.

We may think, “Oh I just didn’t want to cause trouble,” or “It just wasn’t worth it.” Each time we passively take someone else’s negative remarks, each time we don’t stick up for ourselves, we weaken ourselves.

When we respectfully express how we feel, it helps to clear up the negativity we feel inside.  One of the big keys here, is to do it RESPECTFULLY!

3.  Choose positive people to spend time with!

Avoid people who are negative and hurt you.

Sometimes family and co-workers can’t be avoided but you can make an effort to only be with them when you have to be.  Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you.

Remember, when people are negative and using hurtful words, it’s not personal!  It’s about what’s going on in them, it’s not really about you!

So, put up your shield and let their words repel back to them; don’t let them get inside of you! Don’t take it personal!

Getting hurt by others’ words is a very common issue all of us face in life. Unless you’re extremely positive, confident and strong,  it’s hard to not let others bother you.

Let me know in the comments what you’ve done (or are doing) to not let words hurt you.  I’ve love to hear some more suggestions.

I shared four irrational thought patterns last week; here are four more this week.

See if you fall into any of these!!

1.       Catastrophizing

Wearing blinders that only allow you to predict and see the worst possible outcome.

• What if it never gets better?
• What if they don’t like me?
• What if there’s just something wrong with me?
• What if it never works out the way I want it to?

You envision and talk about all the reasons why it won’t work out.  This leads to feelings of despair and sadness.  Your thoughts can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Start envisioning the outcomes you desire! What if UP versus What if down!

• What if it does work out?
• What if everything goes great?
• What if I do a fantastic job?
• What if they love me?

2.       Minimization

You overlook or minimize your good qualities.

• She didn’t really mean it when she said she liked me-she was just trying to make me feel good.
• They probably tell everyone they did a good job.
• Anyone could have done that—that was nothing special!
• There’s nothing I’m really good at!

You discredit your abilities, and downplay your strengths.  This takes away your joy. It depletes your confidence in yourself!

Give yourself credit!

3.       All or nothing thinking

You’re either all good or all bad.  If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. You see things as black or white with no shades of gray. It’s either at 0 or 100 and you don’t give any credit for anything in between.

• She said “no” when I asked her out.  “No one wants to go out with me,”—-“I will never find the right person, so why bother.”
• We had a fight-“It’s useless-we can’t ever get along!”
• I said things that were stupid-I’m such a loser.
• I said I’d do it every day and I’ve already missed three days-“I’m a failure.”– “I’ll never be able to do it!”

Everything doesn’t have to go perfect for you to have successes and feel good.

• Notice the things that do go right!
• Are there times you do get along?
• Are there times you do say smart things?
• Are there times you do stick to what you started?

Change your focus! To correct all-or-nothing thinking, try to avoid unconditional terms, such as nothing or never.

4.       Blaming

By blaming others, you fail to take responsibility for your own actions and choices.  Then, it’s easy to get stuck in the victim role and feel powerless.

• “The reason I’m miserable is because of the way he/she is to me.”
• “I’d be different if he/she was different.”  “It’s all their fault.”
• “There’s nothing I can do to make things better until they change.”
• “I can’t help but feel this way when they act like that.”

When you put all the blame on others, you give up looking for ways to make the situation better.  You feel hopeless and helpless, because you are giving them all the power, versus taking responsibility to make changes within yourself.

• Look for ways you may be contributing to the problem!
• Change things you do have control over!
• You will feel more empowered!

Remember:

• Your thoughts about a situation largely determine your feelings.
• Thoughts can seem true even when they’re not!
• They can cause emotional distress!
• We often don’t even realize that we are having irrational thoughts.
• Once you can label, identify and dissect your irrational thoughts, you take away some of their power.

Could you see yourself in any of these irrational thoughts?

The thoughts that make you feel “bad” need to be questioned and examined!

Your thoughts about a situation largely determine your feelings.

Thoughts can seem true even when they’re not! They can cause emotional distress!

We often don’t even realize that we are having irrational thoughts. Once you can label, identify and dissect your irrational thoughts, you take away some of their power.

Here are four of the 11 irrational thought patterns.  I’ll be sharing more in my next blog.

See if you fall into any of these!!

1.  Personalization

You believe you are personally responsible for situations and other people’s reactions to you.

• No one seems to like me-must be something wrong with me.
• My son is doing poorly in school. I’m a bad mother. (could there be another reason?)
•  If only I was a better person, we’d get along better. (it’s all my fault)
• She doesn’t want to go with me—I bore her.
• He did that intentionally to  hurt me (could there have been another reason?)
• When she was talking about that difficult person, I know she was talking about me.

Could there by another reason why people are reacting the way they are? Could they have something else going on in their life? Could they be tired? Could they  have something else on their mind? Could they be struggling with something?

2.  Labeling

Attaching a negative label to yourself or someone else can prevent you from seeing anything other than that which verifies the label. 

• He’s a jerk (you only see things that prove he is a jerk)
• I’m so stupid (you only notice things that prove you’re stupid)
• I’m such a failure (you only see your mistakes)
• She/he is so mean (fail to notice any time they’re nice)
• I’m such a procrastinator (only see times you don’t get things done-don’t acknowledge all the things you do accomplish)

 Let go of the labels!

3. Comparing yourself to others

 Makes you question your own worth. You come up short and it makes you feel diminished!

• She’s so much smarter than I am
• I’m slower than anyone else
• They dress so professional; I look like a slob
• He talks so intelligent; I sound unprofessional
• She’s got what it takes, I don’t
• Look how organized she is and look at me!

4. Mind Reading

You believe that you absolutely know what other people are thinking and feeling.

• I could immediately tell he was upset with me.
• I know she doesn’t like me.
• I know she thought what I said was really stupid.
• I knew he was wondering why I was there.
• He knew exactly why I was mad at him.

 Can you really know what someone else is thinking?  Could it be possible they are thinking something else?

Could you see yourself in any of these irrational thoughts? 

Thoughts that make you feel bad need to be questioned and examined