PLAN B
So many things bother us-people, mostly.
But pretty much everything has the power to upset our well-being.
When things bother us, we tend to blame the other person or the situation for causing our suffering.
Then we attempt to change the other person’s behavior or the situation into something we consider right, so that we won’t have to continue to be upset.
There’s no doubt that people and situations definitely cause us hurt, disappointment and frustration.
If someone says speaks unkindly or rude to me, I feel hurt as a result of their words.
We’re always impacting each other.
We do need to try to change what’s not working
and those things that make us unhappy.
IF WE CAN….. But, sometimes WE CAN’T.
What do we do then? What do we do if we cannot change the situation or person that is causing us pain?
Plan B.
When we cannot change the cause of our suffering, many of us continue to blame the other person or situation which increases our frustration with the person or situation.
It’s like trying to make a cat bark. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t get that cat to bark.
Nothing you do works and you start to feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall.
You’re so frustrated, you just want to BAIL.
What do you do then?
Freedom from the whole blaming/fixing/increasing frustration cycle, ironically, comes from moving our attention away from the person/problem and turning that attention onto ourselves.
It’s not very popular…..It often
doesn’t come natural.
It’s so much easier to keep blaming the other person and the situation.
When you hear that it’s time to be mindful and to look at what’s going on with in you, you may assume (as most people do) that someone is telling you to discover how you are also to blame for the suffering you are experiencing.
That’s not what this is about. It’s not about searching for how you contribute to the problem.
Self-investigation–the step that creates real freedom from suffering-has nothing to do with blame.
To turn your attention into yourself is to ask questions:
What does this situation or person’s
behavior trigger in me?
What pain is generated in me when
I am confronted with this behavior or situation?
In my own marriage, there are things I’ve tried to change about my husband or my situation for years because I didn’t like it, it didn’t make me happy, and I wanted it to be different.
It took me a lot of years to learn that what I was mostly doing was increasing my own suffering.
In the end…
He didn’t change…
I didn’t change…..
The situation didn’t change……
When things did start to change……
……I took my focus off of him and the situation
…..Started to look within myself
…..Started to become aware of why I was being triggered
Not— what I was doing wrong, but what feelings, beliefs, and memories were being triggered in me?
Here’s what you can do:
Be a Sherlock Holmes….
• What makes this person, behavior or situation so frustrating for you?
• What are your expectations about the way it should be?
• Why do you have those expectations?
• Why is it bothering you the way it is?
• Is there something from your past that is contributing to the way you’re feeling now?
• Is there a certain way you feel this person has to be?
• Why do you feel that way?
Come up with your own questions and
dig deeper to learn more about why
you are feeling the way you are.
Naming what I was experiencing and why it was so frustrating for me didn’t change my husband’s behavior, nor did it make the experience that arose in me disappear.
What it did, however, was ease the suffering that existed for me in the situation.
Rather than it setting off a screeching fire alarm inside me-a code-red emergency-I could witness the behavior, and stay calm and non-reactive.
I didn’t need to change the behavior so that I could get away from some unknowable, and unbearable experience inside myself.
I could say to myself,
“Oh right, when he does this behavior, it triggers this such and such in me– That’s what’s here now.”
And then,
The experience that was so maddening,
and the cause of so much pain, is deactivated.
Needing to make the situation or behavior stop EASES when the inarguable truth of what is happening INSIDE us is clear.
Self-investigation, awareness, and compassion for what’s going on inside of you has a way of ‘lightening’ up the frustration.
When you feel better, everything goes better.
As we all know, we CAN’T CONTROL anyone else’s behavior, and we can’t make another person want to or be able to change.
But WE CAN always make the choice to shift our attention inward, to focus the lens of curiosity onto ourselves.
Remember, by investigating our own experience, we are not condoning the behavior that triggers our suffering, nor are we assuming responsibility for having caused it.
Getting curious about what is happening inside us in a particular situation–
…..naming it
…..understanding it
…..bringing compassion to it-
This is the surest path to freeing oneself from the cycle of suffering.
Ultimately, mindfulness (self-awareness) is the
most powerful and antidote to suffering.
If you’re having relationship challenges of any kind
and you’d personally like some help– Fay offers one-on-one breakthrough relationship coaching both in-person and via technology (phone, skype, facetime)
If you’d like to find out how personal life coaching can help you, Contact Fay for a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute consultation.
_______________________________________________
Fay Prairie is a personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.
She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!
Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to
discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!
E-mail: fay@fayprairie.com
Call: 507-829-0181
Fay also provides workshops and trainings for businesses and schools. Check out her speaking page.
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