Have you ever had someone humiliate you? 

It  hurts!  It makes you feel rejected, disrespected and uncared for!

It’s demeaning!

Have you ever humiliated someone else?

Humiliation is a type of relational bullying that is designed to control another person by inducing shame.

Look over the list and see if you’re guilty of some of these behaviors.

Examples of humiliation:

• Purposely overlooking someone, taking them for granted, ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment
• Rejecting someone, distancing yourself from them
• Withholding appreciation, approval or affections as a punishment
• Treating people unfairly
• Verbal aggressive attack
• Betrayal, cheating or lying
• Being laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, given a dirty look, or made to look stupid or foolish.
• Being the victim of a practical joke, prank
• False accusation or insinuation
• Public shame or disrespect
• Purposely inducing jealousy
• Denigration of a person’s values, beliefs, heritage, race, gender, appearance, or personal characteristics
• Dismissing, discounting, or silencing what someone has to say

Consequences

Humiliation has been linked to:

*academic failure       *low self-esteem       *social isolation 

*underachievement       *marital conflict       *delinquency

*abuse       *discrimination       *depression

 People in power; teachers, bosses, spouses, parents use humiliation as a form of social control, a way to teach a lesson.

Examples

You ignore your spouse over dinner, giving them the silent treatment as a way to punish them from an earlier argument.

Mrs. Sams, Bobbie’s teacher, comments in front of the entire class, “Why can’t you be like the rest of the kids,” “Why do you have such a hard time staying on task and getting your work done?”

Jon’s father was upset again. “How could you do something so stupid!”  “You were given a brain so you could use it!”

How does it make the other person feel? 

What is the message you are sending them? 

Is it teaching them a better way to act?

Humiliation and Shame Have Negative Consequences.

I’ve heard teachers, parents and spouses say,

Hey, it works. There’s no harm in it.  And I get a result. They stop doing it!

It may appear to work short term, but long term it violates trust in the relationship. It makes people feel “less than” and unworthy.

Humiliation and shaming are:

•  Tactics that bullies use
• Are built on intimidation and fear
• Cause your relationships to lose respect

You are no longer an ally, someone they can go to and trust but rather you turn into the enemy.

Learn to communicate, discipline, teach, and work together to find positive solutions in ways that help everyone to learn right from wrong instead of using humiliation.

Help others to understand themselves, and why it would be beneficial for them to change their behavior.

Be an ALLY, not a BULLY!

Humiliation, a relational bullying technique, undermines all relationships!

You are influencing the people in your life much more than you realize.

In 1911, a team of researchers went into schools and administered intelligence tests to students. (Rosenthal Studies) They told the teachers that Sally, Sam and Sarah had the highest IQ and potential for growth. 

They asked the teachers not to mention the results to the students, and not to spend any more or less time with them. At the end of the year they were tested again, and indeed, Sam, Sally and Sarah posted off the charts for intellectual ability.

Now, the truth is when Sam, Sally and Sarah were tested in the beginning, they were absolutely ordinary.  The researchers had randomly picked their names and then lied to the teachers about their ability.  But, after the experiment, they had in fact turned into superstars. 

What caused the ordinary students to become extraordinary?

The teachers changed their attitudes towards these students.  Not only did they spend more time with these students, they were also more enthusiastic about teaching them, unintentionally showing more warmth toward them.

These chosen children felt more capable and intelligent and they per­formed accordingly, just on the weight of the teachers’ expectations of them. This is called the Pygmalion effect.

The expectations we have about our children, co-workers, friends and spouses—whether or not they are voiced—can bring that potential to life. People tend to act as we expect them to act. 

You do have the power to leverage how people will behave. 

• What if we believed we married a capable, loveable, and fun person?
• What if we believed we married an inconsiderate, slob?
• Would we treat them differently with each different expectation?

I expect my marriage to fail. I react by pulling away and act differently towards my spouse. I don’t expect him to care or to try.

My belief and behavior may cause him to live up to my expectation.

 I expect my spouse to be loving, gentle and kind.  I create a warmer interpersonal environment; I smile and nod more, I’m friendly, supportive and encouraging. Therefore, my behavior brings about a more loving, gentle and kind response.

Despite the truth, teachers were able to influence Sally, Sam and Sarah to be the smartest kids in the class. 

 A teacher has been forewarned how loud and rowdy Jared is in class.  She is consistently on the lookout for this type of behavior from him.  Each time she witnesses it, she immediately thwarts it before it gets out of control.

Do her verbal and nonverbal reactions contribute to his behavior?

Your expectations of others determine your actions.

 Your actions affect how the other person behaves.

“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.”

Rosenthal’s theory teaches that people do sense how you view them and treat them, and change their behavior to match this expectation.

How are you viewing people?

How are you treating them?

What if you imagined and treated them as you wanted them to be?

Termites are capable of compromising the strength and safety of a structure. Termite damage can be costly!

Assumptions can compromise your relationships!

Assumptions can require costly repairs to fix!

Do you ever find yourself making negative assumptions about other people’s reactions?

Action: He didn’t even look me in the eye when I was talking.

Assumption: He obviously didn’t care and wasn’t interested in what I had to say.

Action: She didn’t ask any questions about my day.

Assumption: She’s selfish and could have cared less about the stressful day I had.

Action: He didn’t even say “hi” when I saw him in the store.

Assumption: I guess that says how important I am to him.

Action: She never called me back.

Assumption: I’m sure she’s upset with me about something I said.

Action: He didn’t respond to my request.

Assumption: I’m sure that means he doesn’t approve or isn’t interested.

Negative assumptions affect how you feel, which affects how you behave, which ultimately affects your relationships with others.  

In all of the scenarios above, your assumption may lead you to send “emotion” poison back to the person.  You ignore them, back away, become silent, blame them, criticize them, become angry and rude with them. 

In reality, your assumption may just be a MIRAGE.    

We think what we see is REAL and CLEAR, but it’s not!

Our assumptions are FREQUENTLY WRONG!

Could there be another reason for their actions?

 Henry Winkler wasn’t that far off with his quote-

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

Is it fair to assume something about someone without taking the time to investigate the truth?

Are we being judgmental?

A good way to avoid making false assumptions is to ask questions and get to the truth before forming an opinion.

Imagine… spending less time making assumptions and more time getting the answers.

• When was the last time you made an assumption?
• What were the consequences?
• What could you have done differently?

It can be quite liberating to begin to check out your assumptions before believing them.