Have you ever had someone humiliate you?
It hurts! It makes you feel rejected, disrespected and uncared for!
It’s demeaning!
Have you ever humiliated someone else?
Humiliation is a type of relational bullying that is designed to control another person by inducing shame.
Look over the list and see if you’re guilty of some of these behaviors.
Examples of humiliation:
- Purposely overlooking someone, taking them for granted, ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment
- Rejecting someone, distancing yourself from them
- Withholding appreciation, approval or affections as a punishment
- Treating people unfairly
- Verbal aggressive attack
- Betrayal, cheating or lying
- Being laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, given a dirty look, or made to look stupid or foolish.
- Being the victim of a practical joke, prank
- False accusation or insinuation
- Public shame or disrespect
- Purposely inducing jealousy
- Denigration of a person’s values, beliefs, heritage, race, gender, appearance, or personal characteristics
- Dismissing, discounting, or silencing what someone has to say
Consequences
Humiliation has been linked to:
*academic failure *low self-esteem *social isolation
*underachievement *marital conflict *delinquency
*abuse *discrimination *depression
People in power; teachers, bosses, spouses, parents use humiliation as a form of social control, a way to teach a lesson.
Examples
You ignore your spouse over dinner, giving them the silent treatment as a way to punish them from an earlier argument.
Mrs. Sams, Bobbie’s teacher, comments in front of the entire class, “Why can’t you be like the rest of the kids,” “Why do you have such a hard time staying on task and getting your work done?”
Jon’s father was upset again. “How could you do something so stupid!” “You were given a brain so you could use it!”
How does it make the other person feel?
What is the message you are sending them?
Is it teaching them a better way to act?
Humiliation and Shame Have Negative Consequences.
I’ve heard teachers, parents and spouses say,
Hey, it works. There’s no harm in it. And I get a result. They stop doing it!
It may appear to work short term, but long term it violates trust in the relationship. It makes people feel “less than” and unworthy.
Humiliation and shaming are:
- Tactics that bullies use
- Are built on intimidation and fear
- Cause your relationships to lose respect
You are no longer an ally, someone they can go to and trust but rather you turn into the enemy.
Learn to communicate, discipline, teach, and work together to find positive solutions in ways that help everyone to learn right from wrong instead of using humiliation.
Help others to understand themselves, and why it would be beneficial for them to change their behavior.
Be an ALLY, not a BULLY!
Humiliation, a relational bullying technique, undermines all relationships!
A great article that encourages parents to think about every word they say to their child. Often there is a quick way to get a child to behave, but this way can be abusive, and the consequences are negative such as shame or low self-esteem. It takes a lot more time and effort to solve a problem in a kinder way, but the results are a powerful and wonderful relationship based on trust and love.
You’re right, Elizabeth–it can take more time and effort to solve problems in a kinder way but the relationships we form are healthier and stronger for it! Unfortunately it’s too easy to think about immediate results versus long term success. That’s why it’s good to remind ourselves of it. Thanks for sharing!
This one really touches a nerve for me. I was raised in a family whose main form of communication is shaming and guilt. They were raised the same and unfortunately never developed the awareness to see the consequences or learn another way. I am highly sensitive to shaming language/tone/communications and can answer your question NO. I’m certainly not perfect, and have caught myself sounding like my old patterns before, mostly when my kids were really young and I felt so overwhelmed. I stop myself, breath, and apologize. Then start over. There is another way, and we as a global culture need to stop using shame as way of communication!
Sorry you had to go through that, Aly. It’s good that you were able to have awareness and make changes for the next generation!! It’s way too easy for people to carry on what they’ve grown up with versus making those changes!
Yes, I am with Elizabeth and Aly. My family did it, and I’m sure I’ve slipped up and done it with my kids. But to have the list in front of me is a great thing, to get me to think. THINK! about taking a moment to pull myself together before doing something I don’t want to. Nicely done. I’ll be sharing this on my Funnermother page! best, Angela
You said such a big word–THINK-it’s too easy to let emotions take over and forget to think. A good work to repeat–THINK–when we feel emotions start to take over. Thanks for sharing my posts-I appreciate that!!!
We do teach children how to behave based on how we behave. So important to be mindful. Great points in the article and in the comments!
I grew up with a stepmother who used the icy silent treatment whenever we did something wrong, leaving us to wiggle and squirm and wonder what in the world we had done. It was horrible!
I hate the silent treatment, and as a result, I am much more apt to just come right out and ask, “:Is there something wrong?”
I’d rather have the truth than not know at all.
I agree that it feels awful when someone uses that icy silent treatment–and in certain situations, it is a bullying technique.
Learning the skill of actually comuunicating instead of just being silent is so much healthier for our relationships!
I used to give people the silent treatment, I never saw it as bullying, it was my defense to others bullying me. Now, like Wendi, I just ask.
I agree our intent often isn’t bullying and intent does make a difference in how we label it. Sometimes, it’s just because we feel emotional and we don’t know how else to handle it, we stay silent. When people intentionally give people the silent treatment to “punish” them, that’s when I would call it relational bullying.
I don’t agree that everything on your list is bullying. I think sometimes we’re too quick to jump on that bandwagon. Maybe the silent treatment IS the right way while you get yourself under control if you can’t physically remove yourself from the situation…
And what might be bullying in one instance ISN’T in another. Frankly, I like practical jokes! But for someone with low self-esteem or a vulnerability, they’re not fun.
If you’re being falsely accused: stand up for yourself. I was falsely accused of cheating on a spelling test in 4th grade. I didn’t allow anyone to “humiliate” me. I looked at the evidence (the spelling words WERE written on my desk) and then remembered I’d been absent for the test the day before. I reminded the teacher of that fact and SHE remembered another student had used my desk.
None of this was bullying!
I’ve also falsely accused someone before. Based on the facts and knowledge I had at the time, it was the logical conclusion. When I realized I was wrong, I apologized. This wasn’t bullying either.
Thanks for commenting, Kimberly!! You are so right! I think the intent of the behavior definitely comes in to play. For it to be bullying, typically there are three factos involved, 1. an imbalance of power, so one person has an upper hand over the other or it could be the power of several people ganging up on one other person, 2. it’s repetitive–someone repetitively does these behaviors to another and 3. with intent to hurt–so it is purposely done to someone with an intent to shame, punish, manipulate, hurt. Thanks for pointing that out!!! I totally agree–I’ve used silent treatment and it may have been beneficial so I didn’t say something I shouldn’t. That’s great that you had the strength to stand up for yourself! Some people don’t. I also agree that with everyone talking about “bullying”–it can definitely be overdone and everything suddenly becomes “bullying”…
I appreciate your comments!!