Last week I wrote about managing emotions and I gave you the first three steps to get you started. Today we’re going to learn the next four steps.

If you missed it, it’s the blog right before this one.

Just a quick reminder of why managing our emotions is so important-

• Hanging onto resentments can keep us stuck in NEGATIVE feelings that HARM our RELATIONSHIPS.
• Our EMOTIONS can lead us to AGGRESSIVELY lash out at those we love. (pushing them away)
• Not feeling our emotions can create ANXIETY.
• Blaming others for our situation in life can lead to feeling HOPELESS and POWERLESS.
• Emotions can lead to overeating and overdrinking. (or other ADDICTIONS like shopping, smoking, gambling)

We all have issues at one time or another with
managing our emotions.

Here are steps four through seven.

Step Four: ADJUST the VOLUME

What is the voice in your head saying to you?

It’s talking to you all of the time (24/7)

Take it off of mute, turn up the volume and start to hear IT…
(CUZ IT’S RUNNING YOUR LIFE)

That voice is a BIG reason you are feeling the way you are feeling.

If you find yourself experiencing strong emotions–
GET IN TOUCH WITH WHAT THAT VOICE IS SAYING TO YOU!!

Step Five-REWIND

Once you’ve turned up the volume and can hear that voice–
then you can REWIND and gain an awareness of what’s really
contributing to that inner voice and the way you feel

Ask yourself:

What just triggered me to think this way?
Why is this bothering me this way?

Understanding where our emotions arise from and what evokes them is a crucial component to help you begin to manage them.

Are you truly angry at your partner asking you, “What’s for dinner?” or are you simply exhausted from a long day at work?

Step Six:-Review and Rate

You’ve turned up the volume so you can hear what
you inner voice is saying to you.

You’ve pressed rewind to get an idea of what’s
contributing to that voice and where it may be coming from.

Now review it and give it a rating.

Is that voice empowering or disempowering you?
Is that voice going to help you positively move forward in life
or is it going to hold you back?

Do you really want to keep listening to that same voice over and over again?
Would it be beneficial to change what that voice is saying to you?

Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL

Your inner voice is either intensifying or
lessening your emotional reaction.

If you’ve determined that the thoughts being generated by your inner voice are disempowering and not going to be helpful in your life, then it’s time to Change the Channel.

By changing your thoughts you may not be able to change the situation but you can at least change the way you believe the situation is affecting you which alters your emotional response.

Example

You have to go to a social/networking event for work.

You turn up the volume and catch your inner voice saying,

“This networking event is going to be a complete waste of time.
No one is going to talk to me and I’m going to look like an idiot.”

Change the channel–

“It’s up to me to get something out of the event.
I’ll introduce myself to new people and show interest in learning about them.”

Taking a break and doing something different, like going for a walk, cleaning something, can help you change the channel from disempowering thoughts to thoughts that empower you.

Ask yourself this question to help you think a more rational empowering thought:

“What would I say to a friend who had this problem?”

IMPORTANT
Learning to control your emotions can be one of the best skills you will ever develop!

Your emotions lead to the actions you take or don’t take.
Your emotions affect every relationships you have, personal and professional.
Your emotions affect your physical health.

Your emotions create the life you are
experiencing now, every part of it.

Here are the six steps we’ve covered so far–

Step One: PAUSE–Deep Breathe and Count
Step Two-TUNE In-Awareness and Labeling feelings
Step Three-ZOOM In— Notice where feel the emotion
Step Four:ADJUST the VOLUME
Step Five-REWIND
Step Six:-REVIEW and RATE
Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL

Join me next week for Part 3 (steps 8-10)

Have you ever lashed out at someone (your spouse, your child) and later regretted it?

Have you ever suffered with strong emotional anger towards someone yet you held it all inside?

We’ve all at one point in time been hijacked by strong emotions.

If you tend to fly off the handle when aggravated and express your outrage disrespectfully,
OR
If you get upset, frustrated and suppress your feelings by holding them inside,

Your emotions could be costing you

………….important relationships,

………….your job,

……………and even your health

Do you have knee jerk emotional reactions or do
you choose your emotional responses?

When you are able to choose your emotional responses, life becomes so much easier.

Not only will you feel way more empowered
and in control in life,
but you will be happier
and much healthier……
and have better relationships…….

Learning to control your emotions can be one of the best skills you will ever develop.

WHY?

*Emotions create the life you are experiencing now, every part of it.

Emotions lead to the actions you take or don’t take.
Emotions affect the way you treat people in your life.
Emotions affect your physical health.
(studies show negative emotions can kill cells in your body thus affecting your health)

*Emotions like worry (imagining a negative outcome) or fear can paralyze you from:

Having courageous conversations you need to have
Facing uncomfortable situations
Pursuing what you really want in life
Speaking up when necessary

Hanging onto resentments can keep you stuck in
negative feelings that harm YOU and your relationships.

Your emotions can lead you to aggressively
lash out at those you love.
(Creating distance and disconnection in your relationships)

Not feeling your emotions can create anxiety.
(which doesn’t feel good)

Blaming others for your situation in life can lead
to feeling hopeless and powerless.

Emotions can lead to overeating and overdrinking.
(or other addictions like shopping, smoking, gambling)

Emotions can cause chaos in your life.

YOUR ABILITY to manage the highs and lows of your emotions can:

SIGNIFICANTLY affect whether you feel happy, fulfilled and at peace in your life.

MAJORLY impact all of your relationships and the way people feel about being around you.

Emotional Intelligence is a skill that can help you become more aware AWARE and TACTFUL in UNDERSTANDING and HANDLING your own EMOTIONS as well as the emotions of others.

Gaining management over your emotions will help you become MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY STRONGER.

It’s a skill anyone can learn.

Over the next three weeks, I’m going to share with you ten tips to practice to gain management and the ability to feel and choose your emotional responses.

Here’s the first three today.

Think of managing your emotions like the REMOTE CONTROL for your TV.

Are you running your remote or are you letting someone else push your buttons?

STEP ONE: Press PAUSE

We’ve all experienced that feeling in the middle of an argument when anxiety or anger emotionally kidnaps us. (or when someone says something that really strikes a nerve in us)

It can feel overwhelming. It can also lead to negative consequences if you let the emotions take over your logical thinking.

Whenever you feel that feeling, repeat like a mantra, the word:
PAUSE

Then do Deep Breathing and Count.

Breathe in through your nose and count slowly to five. Focus on how your body feels as you breathe in.

Hold for a moment and then exhale, counting backwards from five, (5-4-3-2-1) focusing on your breath as it travels out your body.

It’s simple and brief but it helps you regain your composure. If you allow your emotional brain to take over, you may not end up with the results you want.

The more you practice it, the better it works when you need it.

STEP TWO-TUNE In

Now that you’ve paused, take some time to TUNE IN to your feelings.

Research shows that only 36 percent of people really know how they feel at any given time.

The remaining 64 percent do not. (Because they push their feelings aside versus allowing themselves to feel them)

This is problematic because UNLABELED EMOTIONS often go MISUNDERSTOOD which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.

NAME IT TO TAME IT

We’d rather suppress them or just automatically go to the feeling of anger. What we need to do is to tune in and intimately get to know and understand what we’re feeling.

Anger sometimes masks emotions that feel vulnerable–like shame, embarrassment or hurt.

So pay close attention to what’s really going on inside of you.

What’s the pain that is underneath the anger?

Are you nervous? Do you feel disappointed? Are you sad? Are you jealous?
Are you overwhelmed? Are you scared? Are you hurt? Are you worried?

Put a name to your emotions. Keep in mind you might feel a whole bunch of emotions at once–like anxious, frustrated, and impatient.

Getting to know your feelings more intimately and labeling how you feel can take a lot of the sting out of the emotion.

It can also help you take careful note of how those feelings are likely to affect your decisions.

Be ready to be open, willing, and vulnerable to pay attention to your true feelings.

Journaling how you are feeling can help you to identify and become more aware of what’s really underneath those emotions.

STEP THREE-ZOOM In

Zoom into how you feel. Emotions show up as physical feelings in our body.

Are you feeling butterflies in your stomach? A racing heart?
A pounding head? A tight chest? Tense shoulders?

Delving into how your body feels will help you notice your own signs in order to better understand yourself.

Plus–This will help you gain the future ability to catch the emotions when they first start which will be helpful in managing them.

It’s easier to control a SMALL GIANT than a BIG, HUGE GIANT.

Just the acknowledgement and awareness of how you are feeling helps to CALM YOU DOWN.

Pushing down and ignoring your emotions and feelings can actually intensify them. (plus buried emotions can lead to anxiety)

Gaining a deeper understanding of how you feel will also help you to express yourself in a more effective, empowering way.
(when you understand what’s going on inside of you better,
it’s easier to have a conversation with someone else)

Remember, once you are able to control your emotions, LIFE BECOMES SO MUCH EASIER. Not only will you feel way more empowered and in control in life, but you will have so many less upsets and frustrations.

Work on the first three steps this next week-
Stay tuned next week for Steps Four-Six

STEP ONE:PAUSE –Deep Breathe and Count
STEP TWO-TUNE In-Become aware of how you feel and label the emotions
STEP THREE-ZOOM In– Notice where your body feels the emotion

Join me next week for Part 2

We all have times when we feel discouraged.
Discouragement can feel heavy, stuck, sad or hopeless.

You may get discouraged in your relationships, your finances, your ability to complete a project, reach a goal or most anything in your life.

When you feel discouraged, you easily find more discouraging signs that things won’t work out.

(This is your brain’s frustrating negativity bias at work, which makes you more sensitive to anything negative when you’re feeling down.)

Without realizing it, your INNER VOICE starts piling on feelings and stories from your past when you felt discouraged, and before you know it-you’re really DISCOURAGED.

Today when I sat down to write a blog, I felt DISCOURAGED. I just wanted to go raid the cupboard and find some good potato chips (like sour cream and onion) and sit in front of the TV and watch Netflix instead of writing.

I ultimately knew that would make me feel worse.

Feeling discouraged is a sign that it’s time to make a change inside of yourself.

The KEY here is ‘inside of yourself’—-because our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to BLAME.

We can’t always change what’s happening outside of us but we can change our perspective or what’s happening inside of us.

So, I decided to GET MYSELF OUT OF IT….

“When you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change”

Here’s what I did to bounce back and turn my discouragement around so I could feel better and accomplish something.

STEP ONE: I stopped COMPARING myself to other people.

I noticed that in my mind I was thinking—

……..”look at so and so….look at all they’ve accomplished”

……..”look how organized and efficient they are”

……..”look at all the great ideas they come up with”

……..”look at how easy it is for them-what’s wrong with you!”

……..”you’ve been doing this for years-why is it still so time consuming and difficult”

I found that COMPARISON was FUELING my DISCOURAGEMENT.

We see what they have and what we don’t.
We see why they are better than us.

When we do this we get discouraged and we feel sorry for ourselves.
We don’t see their struggles, their fears, their setbacks, and their failures.

We think it’s all easy for them-they’re just so much more talented and put together.

I had to remind myself-
DO NOT compare yourself to other people.
When I quit comparing myself, I felt better right away. (I really did!)

Is there an area of your life where you’re comparing yourself to others?

STEP TWO: I started thinking about all the things I had to be thankful for…..

OK, so let’s just be honest and acknowledge that sometimes–the last thing you want to be doing when you feel down or discouraged is counting your blessings.

Science shows, it’s one of the best ways to help yourself feel better.

When you practice GRATITUDE, your brain releases SEROTONIN and DOPAMINE, which make you feel good in the short-run, but you also become more productive, less anxious and develop a mindset of POSSIBILITY vs. discouragement.

What’s going great in my life?
Who do I have that’s important in my life?
What are some fun things I’m looking forward to?
What are some of my strengths?
What am I lucky to have that some others don’t?
What am I proud of in my life?

GRATITUDE doesn’t take away the DISCOURAGEMENT but it helps put me in a better mindset to deal with it.

STEP THREE: I VISUALIZED myself out of discouragement

When I visualized myself being in a funk and unable to write this newsletter, I felt discouraged and I lacked motivation. I had a feeling of dread.

When I switched to seeing myself successfully completing a great newsletter, I felt excited. My motivation increased.

I had to start seeing what I wanted to happen and create in my mind versus seeing myself failing to get one done today.

STEP FOUR: I took CONTROL of that VOICE in my head

When we get discouraged, the harsh catastrophic voice in our heads often comes out in full force.

So I had to become aware of how I was talking to myself and shift from harshness to self-compassion.

I gave myself a pep talk….
“You’re doing fine-just keep going. You’ll get there.”
“You’ve been able to write some great newsletters over the years.”
“You’ve gained so many good writing skills.”
“Just keep writing one sentence at a time. It will start to flow.”
“Even really great writers have ‘ups’ and ‘downs'”

STEP FIVE: SOLUTIONS & ACTION

I asked myself—

“What’s one thing you can do right now to move you forward?”

First–I took the tiniest possible step. I turned on my computer, opened up a document, and wrote one sentence.

It’s such a small action that it seems insignificant, but because it was such a small step I knew I could do it even if I was feeling discouraged.

That one tiny step felt good, and then I took another one and before I knew it, my discouragement started to subside.

Even the tiniest SOLUTION oriented and ACTION step can help lessen DISCOURAGEMENT.

What’s one small action step you can take right now?

STEP SIX-I Quit SHOULDING on myself.

Discouragement generally occurs when what we THINK SHOULD happen doesn’t align with reality (what actually happens).

In many cases our expectations are unrealistic. For me it had to do with how long I thought things should take and how easy/difficult it should be.

Here’s how I was SHOULDNING on myself–

“You should have had this done hours ago.”
“You should be better at this after all these years.”
“You should be a better writer”
Should….should….should….should…..
What’s wrong with you!!!

I need to let up on my ‘shoulds’ and accept my humanness.

As a human–
……..I’m not always ‘in the flow’
……..I’m not always motivated
……..Sometimes I’m unproductive and sometimes I’m productive
……..Sometimes I have great ideas and sometimes I don’t

After all-I’m a human….I’m less than perfect and that’s ok.

It would be nice if I could just sit down and quickly write an awesome newsletter but that isn’t always a realistic expectation.

The reality is that most things that are worthwhile take a lot of effort and time to come to fruition.

When I relaxed my EXPECTATIONS and SHOULDS a little, it really helped to decrease my discouragement.

So be patient with yourself and let up on your SHOULDS.

STEP SEVEN–I told myself I had to STOP COMPLAINING

Complaining only makes matters worse.

The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now.

Complaining does not work as a strategy.

If you took 10% of the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving your present problem, you’d be surprised by how well and how fast things can work out. (I forget this sometimes, which is why I’m writing it down again – to remind myself.)

When I stopped complaining, I realized that I really did have the power in me to write this newsletter that you are reading right now.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.

They really did help LIFT MY DISCOURAGEMENT!

We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to GO.

We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we get discouraged.

It’s good to have some strategies to use to pull us
out of this funk when it happens.

These strategies helped me complete this newsletter that you are reading right now!!

What’s an area of your life that you get DISCOURAGED in where you can try these strategies out?

1. Stop comparing yourself to other people
2. Make a Gratitude List
3. Visualize seeing the way you want things to be
4. Take control of that voice in your head
5. What’s one small action you can take towards a solution (and do it)
6. Quit shoulding on yourself
7. Quit Complaining