Even one hour can be challenging…..

But…..If you can, then you can change your life.

We’ve all been negative and crabby and we certainly know what it’s like to be around others who are negative and crabby.

……….No one likes it and it doesn’t feel good.

……….In fact, it can feel quite awful.

NEGATIVITY can damage your relationships with your–

•    Kids
•    Significant Other
•    Co-workers
•    Friends
•    In-laws

Negative emotions – like anger, contempt, and depression can seep into your entire body and damage your health.

Sometimes you can feel the simmering bitterness eating away at your stomach, raising your blood pressure, and turning your shoulder and neck muscles to stone

Negativity just doesn’t do anyone much good.

On the opposite end, research has shown that POSITIVITY helps you:

• See possibilities
• Bounce back from setbacks
• Connect with others
• Become the best version of yourself

CAN YOU GO AN HOUR WITHOUT HAVING A NEGATIVE THOUGHT?

About 8 years ago Pastor Bowen, author of the book “No More Complaining” came up with the idea of encouraging people to go twenty-one days without complaining.

Over 10 million people have tried it: You wear a rubber bracelet to remind you of your goal, but each time you complained, you had to put the bracelet on the other wrist and begin your 21 days anew.

It may sound easy, but it takes most people four to eight months to go 21 days without complaining!

I’ve never succeeded!

But in making the attempt, I increased my awareness and drastically reduced the number of times I complained.

Seriously, most people have no idea how often they complain. 

I know I didn’t!

Complaining is negative.

Research does say that there is a part of our brain that is always on the lookout for problems.

We’ll always do some complaining.

Some would say that reducing your complaining is an experience that is worth 100’s of hours of therapy.

What if you tried to go without complaining today?

How do you think you’d do?

Give it a try.

Then tomorrow move it up a notch and try to go without a negative thought.

Maybe first start out with seeing if you can go a single hour without a negative thought.

Negative thoughts include:

……. worries, doubts, fears, disappointments, etc. 

I’ve already recognized several negative thoughts in my head just since I started writing this post.

They can be such persistent little devils!

Don’t be surprised if you have as many as 25-100 negative thoughts/feelings in a single hour.

In a study with 100 people, only 3 people were able to get past one hour without negative thinking.

Truthfully, I’m not sure it’s even possible.

But, just doing the exercise will tilt the balance toward positivity.

Awareness alone can move us in the right direction.

As I always say it’s difficult to change something if you’re not even aware of it.

Tuthfully, most people ARE NOT aware of how often they have negative thoughts.

I’ve had people tell me how positive they are and then turn around and judge and complain about others. (not even realizing that they are being negative)

Here’s extra credit for you. 

Each time you catch a negative thought, generate 3 positive thoughts to cancel the negative one out.

Barbara Fredrickson’s Positive Psychology research shows that you need THREE POSITIVE THOUGHTS to counteract each NEGATIVE THOUGHT you have. 

We have to intentionally choose to be positive because we all have a natural bias toward negativity.

Fredrickson’s research shows that positivity can transform people’s lives. A positive state of mind can enhance relationships, improve health, relieve depression, and broaden the mind.

Fredrickson draws on the imagery of the water lily to illustrate her theory: “Just as water lilies retract when sunlight fades, so do our minds when positivity fades” (Fredrickson 2009, p. 55).

Your First Challenge-Go a day without complaining.

Your Second Challenge-Go an hour without being negative.

Let me know how you do.

Good Luck.

You’ll have to put an imaginary wire tap in your brain to catch those complaining, negative thoughts and words!

We’re so used to focusing on our external world and not looking in and observing what’s going on in our internal world.

When you change your thoughts, you change your life

You GOTTA train your mind to be stronger than your emotions if you want to WIN in the game of life.

Your emotions are tied to everything you do or don’t do.

Confidence and courage can move you forward.

Fear and self-doubt can paralyze you.

Your emotions are always affecting your life.

When we act on our emotions too quickly, or when we act on the wrong kinds of emotions, we can make decisions we later regret. Trust me, I know LOL

Negative emotions, like anger, hurt or bitterness tend to easily spiral out of control especially right after they’ve been triggered.

Sometimes they seem to grow and take over just like weeds. I’ve had weeds take over my garden so this is an image that comes easily to my mind.

Negative thoughts grow so easy-and can dominate our lives in no time.

All you have to do is think the word ‘SHOULD’ or “SHOULDN’T” and before you know it, you’re fertilizing those disempowering thoughts.

“I should be this way or that way.”
(feel sad or disappointed that you’re not)

“They shouldn’t do that, say that, be that way.”
(feel angry because they are)

“I should have such and such done.”
(feel ashamed, guilty, less than)

Now you’re viewing situations as:
unfair, harmful, wrong
and you’re feeling like you have no control.

This is the PERFECT SEED BED for
NEGATIVE THOUGTS to grow.

When something “SHOULD” be a certain way and it isn’t, we begin to “CATASTROPHIZE” and see things as terrible, horrible and unbearable.

It increases STRESS and OVERWHELM.

Your negative thinking intensifies your negative emotions which intensify your negative thinking which intensify your negative emotions and it becomes a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck.

Here are seven steps that can help you manage your feelings before they manage you.

Step One
DON’T REACT RIGHT AWAY

Take time to PAUSE. Take several deep breaths. Remember that deep breathing triggers the VEGAS nerve at the bottom of your spine which sends neurotransmitters to your brain that actually CALM you down. This will help stabilize that overwhelming impulse.

Step Two
BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR THOUGHTS

Thoughts are habitual. Ninety percent of your thoughts tend to be the same each day. It can be quite difficult to become aware of them as we’re used to focusing on what’s going on outside of us instead of inside of us.

Before you can change your thoughts for the better, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking.

Step Three
ASK YOURSELF WHY

Once you are aware of your thoughts, ask yourself what is causing this feeling inside of you?

What’s the trigger? What’s going on inside of me that makes me react and feel the way I do?

Step Four
CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK

Once you know the root of the problem, you can change the way you think about it. Your thoughts shape your feelings.

How else could you look at this situation? Can you find a different way to think about it that helps you to feel less stressed, less anxious?

Sometimes it’s good to consult a friend as it’s easy to get boxed in with your own thoughts.

Step Five
SET YOUR INTENTIONS

Choose how you want to react ahead of time. The way that we react and manage our emotions is a habit. Are you controlling your emotions or are they controlling you?

Once you can control your emotions, then you will feel more in control of your life. Life is easier when you are in control. Life is less stressful when you are in control.

Sometimes we need to quit worrying about controlling so many other things in our life and start spending our energy on learning to control ourselves. (our thoughts, beliefs and emotions)

Step Six
MODIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Take a look at your expectations. Your expectations cause you the most disappointment and stress in your life.

Can you modify them? Are they really realistic?

What’s more important-your health, happiness and loving relationships or your expectations?

Which would you rather give up? Would you rather hang onto your expectations or would you rather be happy?

Step Seven
DELETE NEGATIVE THINKING

It’s easy to get caught up in habitual negative thinking which causes you emotional turmoil.

We tend to replay certain situations (usually negative ones) over and over in our mind and experience the same feelings again and again– strengthening them with each replay.

You’ve got to break out of negative thinking.

Download my free 5 Strategies which will help you break out of negative thinking by going to https://www.fayprairie.com////gettheguide

We tend to think of our emotions (E) and our intelligence (I) as two separate things.

Put them together as emotional intelligence (EQ), and it’s a different way to be smart because it’s “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions calmly and compassionately, and to handle interpersonal relationships in an empathetic and fair way.

Some would say that developing your emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important to being successful and happy in life than your intellectual intelligence (IQ).

A high IQ is something we tend to be born with while emotional intelligence is something we can work to improve.

We can take steps to get emotionally “smarter.”

Each time we practice the seven steps listed above, they become easier and pretty soon they just flow naturally.

It will be worth your practicing!

If you’d like to visit more about learning to take control of your mind which is the most powerful tool you have–e-mail Fay fay@fayprairie.com to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute coaching session.

Have you ever said,
“She made me angry!”
or
“He made me feel that way”?

It’s completely their fault!

We all do it – we blame the way we feel on other people.

Then we feel like a powerless victim. After all, if it’s all their fault, then how can we do anything about it?

Eleneor Roosevelt said:

“No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent.”

Maybe it’s true that they can’t make you feel inferior.

But–A lot of people have taken that out of context and say,

“No one can make you feel any way
you don’t want to feel.”

Is it true that no one can make you feel anything?

Some would say it is.

I find that’s a very hard pill to swallow. How can I not be impacted by someone’s words and actions?

You mean it wasn’t him/her that made me feel so hurt?
You mean it wasn’t his/her fault that I felt so upset?

The truth is, other people do trigger emotional responses in us.

We’re not robots.
We’re emotional human beings.

But-by changing our inner voice and expectations we can manage those feelings of hurt, anger or not feeling good enough and not let them take over or get the best of us.

We can minimize the uncomfortable feelings versus intensifying them.

This is good news!

 

It means you do have some control over how you feel, and you aren’t just totally at the mercy of other people and situations!

You’ll never be perfect at it because we are all emotional, imperfect human beings but you can get WAY, WAY better at it.

Here’s an Example:

You accidentally overhear someone saying less than flattering things about you.

You could think:

“How dare they.”
“I’m not going to let them get away with that.”

Your emotion of anger gets the best of you and you VERBALLY ATTACK the person.

You could think:

“I’m just not good enough.”
“I can’t seem to do anything right.”
“I’ll never be adequate.”

You just WALK AWAY feeling sad, hurt and defeated.

You could think:

“They’re just going through a hard time right now,” or
“They’re just feeling some tough emotions right now.”

You walk away feeling EMPATHY and COMPASSION for them.

You could think:

“It’s more about what they have going on inside of them than it is about me.”

You walk away feeling EMPOWERED by your ability to not take it personal.

The last two options are people who have learned the skill of managing their inner voice.

They have used the power of their mind to their advantage.

They’ve chosen to think thoughts that
align with the emotions they want to feel.

Everyone responds differently depending on what’s going on inside of their mind.

Your thoughts have the ability to impact your emotions.

You do have the power to choose your interpretation or perception
of the situation.

Your expectations or rules also impact your feelings.

“People mustn’t say horrible things behind my back!”
“People must not say negative things about me!”
“People must not say things that might hurt me!”

When your rule gets broken the “or else’s” kick in.

“Or else it’s really bad.”
“Or else, I’ll get really, really mad.”
“Or else I can’t stand it.”
“Or else it means they’re a terrible, terrible person.”
“Or else, I’ll get back at them.”
“Or else, it will be terrible, horrible, awful.”

You also have the ability to change your HOW YOU THINK about your rules.

• “It would be nice if people didn’t say negative things about me.”
• “I don’t like it but I can tolerate it.”
• “I can choose to not react with anger about this.”
• “It’s irrational to think that people won’t ever say anything negative about me.”
• “I can’t control what other people do.”
• “There’s no law that says people must only say good things about me.”
• “In fact, it’s much more likely that they will. That’s life.”

Changing your inner voice and your rules is a vital skill to learn!

 

It benefits everyone!
Then people and situations won’t send you into an emotional tailspin that feels quite awful.

You’ll be more resilient which makes life so, so much easier!!

 

So decide today that you’re going to start taking responsibility for choosing how you feel versus having an automatic emotional reaction.

It’s not always easy but with practice and persistence, you can develop the skill of not being easily offended.

Start with the strategy of changing what your inner voice is saying to you about the other person or the situation.

When someone says or does something that “makes” you feel hurt or angry or any other kind of toxic emotion, take a couple of slow breaths to first help you PAUSE from your habitual emotional response.

Then, teach your inner voice a new perspective……

“I’d rather people never said anything bad about me, but I accept that it will happen. I can cope without getting upset and their opinion is just their opinion. It doesn’t determine my value.”

Changing your inner voice is worth practicing!

If you’d like to learn more strategies to take control of your mind which is the most powerful tool you have–e-mail Fay fay@fayprairie.com  to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute coaching session.

Who’s choosing your channels??

You or your emotions???

If you find your emotions taking over and choosing the channels for you, you may benefit from practicing these steps.

The last two weeks I gave steps one through seven and today I’m giving you the last three steps.

If you missed them, Click Here for steps 1-3 and Here for steps 4-7

Just a quick reminder of why managing our emotions is so important-

Losing it and freaking out or burying strong emotions can:

*Alienate people from you and Destroy Relationships
*Increase Anxiety & Depression
*Lead to Addictions
*Lead to Cancer/Heart Attacks (mind-body connection)

Your emotions create the life you are
experiencing now, every part of it.

Here are steps eight through ten.

Step Eight: Adjust the Focus

You’ve changed the channel but you might still need to fine tune the focus.

Negative, judgmental, and critical thoughts will
give you a fuzzy, distorted picture.

When you have one negative, judgmental or critical thought-it leads to another and then another and before you know it, you’ve gone from being

…..agitated to
…..frustrated
…..to angry and
…..even on to rage.

Positive, grateful and appreciative thoughts help give you a crisp, clear picture. A positive thought will also lead to another and then another and before you know it, you can go from

…..frustration to
…..thankful
…..to calm
…..to happy
…..even on to fulfillment.

Step Nine: TURN OFF

In today’s world we’re always on the go. Gotta do this, gotta do that and even when there’s a few minutes of downtime-we often use it to check the phone, facebook or play an electronic game.

Taking time to disconnect from the world-to be completely free from distractions, and obligations can be the last thing from our mind but yet what we truly need to do.

We need time to turn off from the world and
just have some quiet time to connect with ourselves.

Quiet time connecting with ourselves can help us manage our emotions, and reflect on situations from a higher perspective.

Step Ten: RECHARGE

How do you recharge?

Make sure you include some recharge time in your life when you’re feeling overwhelmed, emotional and burned out.

It’s difficult to manage your emotions when your resources are low.

What recharges you? Is it?

• Watching a really funny movie?
• Meditation or prayer?
• An invigorating workout?
• Spending quality time with the ones you love?
• Listening to uplifting music?
• Talking to a friend?
• Going for a walk?

Come up with multiple methods that you know help you to recharge so you’ll have several opportunities for self-care and improving your emotional well-being.

Managing emotions is tough at times.

There will likely be a specific emotion-maybe it’s anger–that sometimes gets the best of you.

But the more time and attention you spend on practicing and using these steps, the mentally stronger you’ll become and the better you’ll be able to manage it.

Each time you practice and use these steps, you will physically and structurally make changes in your brain that will make it easier the next time.

You’ll develop new neural pathways in your brain.

Then you’ll gain the skills and confidence to positively handle emotions that used to send you over the top and make you flip out…..

It feels so much better and life is way easier and
more peaceful when you can manage your
emotions instead of letting them manage you!

It isn’t always easy and that’s why so many people don’t make an effort and give up.

But once you are able to control your emotions, life changes for you.

You’ll be a BETTER YOU–have BETTER RELATIONSHIPS—
and a BETTER LIFE

Here are the ten steps so you can practice.

Step One: PAUSE
Step Two: TUNE In
Step Three: ZOOM In
Step Four:ADJUST the VOLUME
Step Five: REWIND
Step Six: REVIEW and RATE
Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL
Step Eight: ADJUST the FOCUS
Step Nine: TURN OFF
Step Ten: RECHARGE

Click Here if you missed Part 1 for steps 1-3
Click Here for part 2 steps 4-7

If you’d like additional help in using these steps, reach out to Fay (fay@fayprairie.com) to schedule a free, no obligation 30 minute phone call to see how personal life coaching can help you on your journey towards personal growth.