How often do you find yourself annoyed by your partner’s behavior?

How often do you judge them for not being like you?

5 Mindset Shifts that Can Decrease Annoyance and Judgments!

1. The “Perfect Partner”

(Doesn’t Exist)

If you were to divorce your spouse, interview two hundred “replacement” candidates, put them through a battery of psychological tests, have follow-up interviews conducted by your closest friends, spend three years dating the most compatible ones, and then spent several months making sure you made the right choice, you’d still end up with a spouse who disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you, and stumbles in many ways.

Your new spouse might frustrate, upset and disappoint you in different ways, but they will still frustrate and disappoint you.

That’s the reality of relationships. Your spouse is an imperfect human being! Just like you.

When you accept this, instead of focusing on their flaws and imperfections, you can realize that it’s normal.

Some negativity in your relationship is inevitable

2. Accept the “Reality of Marriage”

Have you ever thought or said, “I have a very difficult marriage…” “I think I married the wrong person…..” “I don’t know if I can keep putting up with this……”

The reality is that every marriage is difficult. We’re not marrying gods and goddesses! We’re marrying totally imperfect human beings. How can that possibly be easy?

Once I accept that marriage is difficult, I won’t be as resentful when my marriage is difficult. Unrealistic expectations (like comparing our marriage to the one in the movies) causes disappointment.

Sometimes you look at other couples and think “why can’t we be like that…..” You don’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Most honest people wouldn’t say that marriage is “easy.” Even though it can be really hard, the key is to hang in there, forgive each other, focus on solutions, improve your attitude and relationship skills, and learn to persist when the going is tough.

3.“Upgrade your Thinking”

One of my favorite Bible verses is: Philippians 4:8 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

We all tend to dismiss our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouse.

We think, but you don’t understand, my spouse really is awful and wrong in the way they are. Judging our spouses and thinking we’re “better than them” is sure to build resentment in our relationship.

Counting their failures and the errors of their way will not help draw us closer or lead to positive feelings.

Obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. People do that for years and it doesn’t get them anywhere. Regularly thinking negatively about your spouse’s weaknesses increases your dissatisfaction with them and your marriage; yet, it’s a natural human tendency.

Yes, those weaknesses are there, but focusing on them isn’t going to solve anything.

It may seem contradictory but when you focus on their qualities that you appreciate, you have a better chance of them improving on their weaknesses.

We all have weaknesses, we all have bad days. We can be thoughtful, caring and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next day.

The challenge is that we are more likely to hang on to the memory of the “bad” and “off” days.

Negativity is like Velcro, it sticks and Positivity is like Teflon, it slides right off.

Judgments, resentments, criticism and negativity creates the 3 D’s in relationships–distance, disconnection and damage.

We do much better when we focus on how we can improve ourselves. After all, how can we be so judgmental of them when we have so many faults of our own?

We should focus more on noticing and improving our own imperfections.

4. “Overdose on Appreciation”

Find five or six things your spouse does really well-or even just one or two! Try to overdose on appreciating them.

The other day I was so frustrated over an issue in our relationship that we have talked to death for the last few years. It seems like no matter how much we discuss it, it never changes. I felt resentful, and in my resentful mood, I started building my case. Like a lawyer, I recalled every slight, every conversation, and tried to prove to my imaginary jury how wrong he was and how right I am.

I decided to take my advice on overdosing on appreciation. I started consistently thinking of the all the qualities in my husband that I appreciate. As I started, it began to snowball. I’d think of something to appreciate, which reminded me of something else, which reminded me of yet another quality. After about fifteen minutes, I literally started to feel completely different.

It really can be a powerful tool! We have to give it time. One session of thankfulness will not fully soften a rock-hard heart. But over time, thankfulness makes a steady increase in your affection and positiveness.

5 .Take Control of your Mind

Your mind will want to remind you where your partner falls short, and it will try to stir up the fire of resentment and anger. You can count on it. You’ll find yourself growing resentful:

“Why should I appreciate that my husband works hard when he comes home and won’t even talk to me at night?”

“Why should I be appreciative that my wife is such a good mother when she’s so critical of me?”

When this starts to happen, start to think about your own weaknesses that you need to work on. Respond to temptations to judge them by thinking about the areas in your own life that you need to work on.

Take the focus off of them and put the focus on how you can work on improving yourself.

We’re All in This Together

Every one of us has an imperfect partner.

We confront different trials, different temptations, and different struggles-but each one of us faces the same reality: living as

Imperfect People

in an Imperfect World

with an Imperfect Spouse

Learning to love, appreciate, and to be thankful for that imperfect spouse is one of the most transforming things you can do for your relationship.

It’s not an easy journey, but it’s profitable long-term!!

How do you deal with conflict in relationships? Are you a “dukes” up or a “duck” out?

Do you put your “dukes” up (extrovert) ready to fight or do you head for the door to “duck” out (introvert)?

Do you rise to the occasion, adrenaline pumping (extrovert) or feel like crawling under a table or anything to disappear (introvert)?

Neither one is ideal.

Take this free online assessment to find out your personality style and how it affects your relationships.

http://www.my-personality-test.com/personality-type/

How you handle conflict in your relationship is a good predictor of how successful your relationships will be. (personal or professional)

Conflict in any relationship is inevitable. It’s not fun and nobody looks forward to it, but chances are pretty good that if there’s never any conflict in your relationship, it’s because one or both of you are avoiding it.

Relationships can collapse under the weight of “unspoken” conflict.

It’s like shoving your garbage in the basement and thinking you’ll take it out later.  Then doing the same thing again and again.  Soon the whole house starts to smell.  The same thing happens in your relationships.  If you don’t take care of the issues, the whole relationship starts to “smell.”

Introverts and extroverts approach conflict so differently,  What do you do when one of you is an “I don’t want to talk about it” (introvert) and the other is a “Let’s get it all out there” (extrovert)?

The extrovert sees an issue in the relationship and jumps into lots of words and emotions.  The introvert is like a deer in the headlights and either agrees just to make it all go away; or shuts down becoming completely silent and bottling it all up, (having angry, muttered conversations inside of their own head instead of with the other person. (I always tell people, when you’re having more conversations inside your own head instead of with the other person, it’s time to start making yourself start talking to them)

The extrovert may not even realize the seeds of resentment he just planted.  He may take the silence as a victory.

The introvert may only be able to keep it bottled up for so long before they “EXPLODE” at some point. 

The “goal” is to bring things up without hesitation.  Healthy, honest and open discussion of conflicts will produce the most successful and peaceful relationships.  The more you bring up and work through conflicts, the easier it will become, and the better your relationships will be.

Introverts need to realize that they have a tendency to shut down and put a lock on their mouth when they are upset and to realize that it isn’t helpful long term to relationships.

Extroverts need to realize that their choice or words, too many words, and being too emotionally charged isn’t helpful long term to their relationships.

Both may need time to “calm down” and get their head “sorted out” before pursuing the discussion. It needs to be a priority to face the conflict and have the discussion despite the uncomfortableness.

Learning how to handle conflicts productively leads to connection and success in relationships, while avoiding conflicts leads to disconnection and failure in relationships.   

If you are an introvert, it’s your job to explain that you need a “time out” so you can process things and then it’s your job to speak up when you’re ready to talk.

Bringing things up can be tough because it’s easier to just throw the garbage in the basement thinking you’ll deal with it later.  The “smell” will become unbearable and its way easier to carry it out one bag at a time than to have to deal with several “stinky” bags all at once.

If you’re an extrovert, you need to realize that you may come across as too “mean, angry and noisy” so you may also need to make yourself take some time to process before you dump all of your feelings off on someone else.

Learning to have a respectful, calm conversation during conflicts is a skill that can be improved and strengthened.

Having an awareness of your different personality styles (introvert or extrovert) will help you improve the way you handle conflict.  Not only will it give you self-awareness but it will also help you have more empathy and compassion with others.

Take this free personality assessment online to find out what your personality type is and how you can use it to gain self-awareness to help your relationships.

http://www.my-personality-test.com/personality-type/

What is confirmation bias?

It’s seeing what you expect to see!

Rather than looking objectively at the big picture, you tend to just look for things that support what you believe to be true versus possibly seeing and finding information that conflicts with what you believe to be true.

Let’s look at how this can affect your relationships!

Dan is always “crabby” and “negative”……

You are always looking for times when Dan is crabby or negative to confirm your biased opinion that he is crabby and negative.

You ignore the times he is happy and positive because that would conflict with what you believe.

Sally never picks up after herself.

You always look for the times Sally leaves things lay around and confirm to yourself–“there she goes again.”

You completely miss the times Sally puts things away as that would conflict with your existing belief.

Joe never shares his thoughts and feelings.

You continually focus on the times he does this–“there he goes again” and skim right over the times he does open up, communicate and share his feelings.

Patty never completes things on time.

Again, we look for those instances that confirm our bias and we can completely miss all the things Patti does accomplish.

We look for proof that our opinions are true and we actvely ignore or discredit information that contradicts our beliefs.

We see what we want to see.

What does confirmation bias have to do with relationships?

Everything!

What stories are you telling yourself about the people you are in a relationship with?

You may not even be aware of the fact that you continually seek out information that confirms your story and you ignore information that doesn’t align with it.

You may believe that you have a wonderful, happy relationship and you are always looking for situations that prove this to be true.

BUT

Confirmation bias often works the other way.

If you’ve concluded that the other person is awful, you will begin to mount the evidence to prove your belief is true, and you’ll completely ignore all the contradictory evidence.

If you believe you don’t love your partner anymore, you will continually look for evidence that proves and supports your belief.

One episode builds on the other and over days and months you’ve totally convinced yourself that it’s true.  You may have ignored all the instances that would have proved otherwise and now you have yourself totally believing something because of “confirmation bias.”

We See What We Believe

How Can We Stop Confirmation Bias from Hurting Our Relationships?

1. Be OPEN to a new perspective.  Observe people in interactions or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes.

2. Strive to ADMIT and RECOGNIZE that you have confirmation bias in your relationships and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.

3. Look for and ACTIVELY SEEK out information and situations that contradict your bias.

If you feel like someone is always negative, actively see out and look for times that they are positive.

If you feel like someone is inconsiderate, actively seek out and look for the times they are considerate.

When you change what you look for, you will change what you find.