Are you creating extra, unnecessary stress in your life?

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expectations

Do you focus on how things should be which leads to criticism and feelings of resentment when they aren’t that way?

Are your expectations making you miserable?

The more we expect our expectations to be met, the more disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and anger we experience in our life.

Do you find yourself saying or thinking:

“Why don’t you do it this way”

“Why didn’t you??”

“I can’t believe you said that”

What are your rules and expectations of others?

How do you feel when people break those rules?

Do they even know what your expectations are?

Is it really fair to expect them to be just like you expect them to be?

Are you the way others expect you to be?

Sometimes our expectations are met; often they’re not.

People get upset when things don’t go their way but is that really the reason they’re upset?

This may be really hard to swallow, but it’s your thoughts about the situation, your expectations that cause you to be upset more than it is the situation itself.

Can you change your thoughts?

Yes, you can.

Example #1

Sally’s kids are:

  1. Not listening
  2. Fighting
  3. Being disrespectful.

Sally’s thoughts are:

  1. I am a terrible mother
  2. Why can’t my kids listen and be respectful like they should be
  3. I should have control and be able to make them stop

Sally feels sad, upset, angry, frustrated, stressed out and like a failure.

Example #2

Joan’s kids are:

  1. Not listening
  2. Fighting
  3. Being disrespectful

Joan’s thoughts are:

  1. This too shall pass-I can handle this.
  2. They are kids and kids will be like this-it’s totally unrealistic to think they won’t.
  3. All kids have times when they fight—it’s normal
  4. It’s totally unrealistic to think I can have complete control over them.

Joan feels slightly annoyed with the situation but also understanding, compassionate, accepting and hopeful.

 

Can you see how in the exact same situation our thoughts (expectations)  have the power to intensify our negative feelings?

The first thing to do when you have a disturbing situation is to ask yourself,

“How am I thinking about this situation?”

“Are my thoughts empowering and helping me?

Or

“Are my thoughts disempowering and dragging me down further?”

If your thoughts are dragging you down, make a decision to choose new thoughts, thoughts that are more helpful to you.

You’ll be amazed at the shifts that can occur when you are willing to see things with a new perception. 

This is how you truly step into your power.

When you decide and learn how to take control of your thoughts and your mind versus letting your thoughts control you.

 

Focus on releasing your thoughts about how you imagined life to be (your expectations) and be more accepting of the way life is.

You are capable of changing every area of your life by adjusting your point of view.

Stop expecting other people to act exactly as you would like them to.

It’s a game you’re guaranteed to lose.

 

A sentence I often use in these situations and it has saved me a lot of distressful feelings.

It would be nice if……………..

It would be nice if they’d listen.

It would be nice if they didn’t fight.

It would be nice if………….. (whatever you want to insert here)

But, the reality is that everyone doesn’t think, act and follow my script.  That’s life!

So, although it would be nice, it’s not realistic!

When you can lighten up on your expectations,

you’ll also be lightening up on your stress, negativity, anxiety and frustration

which will make your life EASIER!

 

Think your Way to Less STRESS!

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enjoy lifeLife always has challenges, obstacles, problems and uncomfortable feelings.
There’s no getting around or away from that!
The one thing you do have control over is the way you respond to these situations.
Your thoughts will either intensify your worry, anxiety, frustration and fear or your thoughts can help you successfully manage your emotions in a healthier way.
Why should you be concerned?
When you let your thoughts run “amok”, they are typically negative and negativity isn’t good for anyone.
It HARMS relationships, physical health, chances of success and it just plain and simply makes life more DIFFICULT!

Here are 3 steps to take towards managing your thoughts.

 

STEP ONE: BECOME MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU ARE THINKING

Recognize when your thoughts are starting to take you down the wrong road–a road that leads to higher levels of stress.
I was scheduled to speak to 300 people at 7pm. It was 3 pm and mapquest said I had 1 hour to drive.  I had left early thinking I’d avoid traffic, sit in a coffee shop and arrive calm and collected.
Good Thing.
I was cruising on the freeway at 65 mph when all of a sudden, the passenger front tire blew.
My whole body was shaking with stress as I got the car pulled over without causing a full blown accident or killing anyone.
Knowing what I do about stress, I immediately started to do some deep breathing to calm myself.
Then the stories started!  You know those stories that drive you crazy with anxiety and uncomfortable feelings.
 
“Oh, no. I’m going to miss my speech.”
“Oh, no. 300 people sitting there with no speaker.”
“Oh, no. How much will this cost me?”
“Oh, no. How am I going to get there?”
“Oh, no. I don’t even have the event coordinator’s number along.”
“Oh, no. This is going to be awful.”
 
As I mindfully observed my thoughts, I realized that these thoughts
WERE NOT going to be helpful.

 

STEP TWO: CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE NEW THOUGHTS

I remind myself that I have the ability to choose my thoughts.  So again, I do some deep breathing and as my body starts to calm down, I mindfully steer my thoughts in a different direction.

What should I do?
Who should I call first?
Is there a way I can still make it to my speaking event on time?
Everything will be fine.
Just take it one step at a time.
Stop fretting about the future and just do what you can in this moment. 
The only thing you can control is the action you take right now.
Everything will work out ok. 

It’s always amazing to me how just changing our thoughts can calm us and help to reduce our level of stress and frustration.

The uncomfortable feelings may not completely go away but they become more manageable.

 

STEP THREE: CHOOSING THOUGHTS OF GRATITUDE

After the tow truck driver brings my car to the shop, he offers to give me a ride to my speaking event.
I started to think of all the things I had to appreciate.
I’m grateful I didn’t get hurt
I’m grateful no one else got hurt.
I’m grateful the people I called were so nice.
I’m grateful the tow truck driver was so kind.
I’m grateful for the good road conditions.
I’m grateful I started out early in the day and still had a chance to make it on time.
Thoughts of gratitude lower our stress and the positive thoughts help cancel out the negative.
Never underestimate the power of gratitude! You can always find things to be thankful for!

I arrived 15 minutes before I was scheduled to speak.
Everything was fine.  (90% of the time the things we worry about never happen anyway)
We often need to remind ourselves that when things go wrong, when things don’t go the way we planned, we can easily spin into a series of unproductive stories and stress responses which aren’t helpful.

THE CHOICE BELONGS TO US

It’s not easy.
When things don’t go as planned, it’s natural to spin out and let our minds make up a million stories that leave us stressed, frustrated and out of sorts.
I’ve had many times when I haven’t had the control over my mind and it starts spinning those stories that takes me to a negative place. I don’t like that negative place.
Each time we practice taking control of those stories, we strengthen our ability to take control of our mind versus letting our mind control us.  
 
You too can choose relaxation responses over stress responses.  I teach some simple techniques for how to do so in my coaching programs.  
Contact Fay at fay@fayprairie.com to set up a free 30 minute consultation to learn more. 

Stop “Shoulding” So Much! (and watch your frustrations dwindle away)

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angryThese 6 common EXPECTATIONS increase our frustration and stress.  Change them and you’ll change your levels of frustration and stress!

  1. Life should be fair. 

We’ve all heard a million times that life isn’t fair, but in spite of that, we’re often upset when things aren’t fair.

Accept that unfair things will happen in your life all the time.  That’s life.

People think: “It should be this way or that way.”

The truth is: At work, things won’t always be fair.  In your relationship, things won’t always be fair.  The amount of work you have to do versus what someone else has to do won’t always be fair.

If you get stuck on the expectation of “it should be fair” you will cause a lot of unnecessary anguish in your life.

Try this instead:

Switch your internal voice to: “It would be nice if everything was fair but it won’t be and That’s Life!

  1. Everyone should like me. 

No matter how decent, kind, respectable and polite you are, there will be people who don’t like you, and some people that you just don’t get along with.

When you think that everyone should like you, you end up with hurt feelings when you shouldn’t (you can’t win them all).

Try this instead:

Just focus on being the best person you can and accept that some people will like you and some people won’t.  That’s life!

  1. People should agree with me. 

 Too many people get offended when someone doesn’t agree with them.

This one can be tough. Sure, you know what you’re talking about, and for that reason, people should take you seriously, but expecting people to agree with you is another story.

Something that’s obvious to you might not be so obvious to someone with different experiences and a different agenda, so stop being offended when people disagree with you, and stop assuming that there is only one right answer (yours). Instead, focus on how you can find solutions that give everyone what they need.

Remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their own perspective.

Try this instead:

Take time to listen to their opinion and truly try to understand their perspective versus trying to convince them to see yours.  You may learn something or come up with a better way of thinking yourself!

  1. People should know what I’m trying to say. 

People can’t read your mind, and what you’re trying to say is rarely what other people hear. You can’t expect people to understand you just because you’re talking—you have to be clear.

Whether you’re asking someone to do something or trying to explain something, it’s quite likely that they won’t truly understand–they may need more information or they may need it explained to them in a different way.

Yet, we often get upset because we expect them to “get what we are saying” and we think they “should” understand us right away.

Try this instead:

Be patient with others and realize that sometimes you may need to add more information or approach it from a different angle to help people understand your communication.

  1. Things should and will make me happy. 

Sure, things can make life more fun and comfortable in the short run, but they can’t make you happy in the long run.

Too many of us expect a future event to make us happy– I’ll be happy when:  “I get that promotion”.. “I lose weight,” “I get a new job,” “that co-worker leaves,” “my kids get older,” “I have more money,” “my spouse changes,” “there’s less work to do,” “when this project is done” and on and on the list goes.

Try this instead:

Look more deeply into the real cause of your unhappiness.

If you don’t fix what’s going on inside, no external event or item is going to make you happy, no matter how much you want it to.

  1. I should be able to change him/her. 

There’s only one person in this world you can truly change—yourself—and even that takes a tremendous amount of effort.

The only way that people change is when they desire it and make up their minds to make the change.

Still, it’s tempting to try to change someone because we think they need to be different than they are.

Try this instead:

Let go of trying to change others….. It can cause you a lot of frustration. Spend so much time and focus on making improvements in yourself that you don’t have time to criticize others.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and it will help remind you that you have little chance of changing others.

Bringing it all together.

When you change these six expectations in your life, you’ll let it go of a lot of anxiety and frustration in your life.

 

If you’d like to learn mindfulness and mindset strategies to conquer stress and overwhelm in your life, or to improve a relationship, contact Fay to learn about her 6 week coaching program or speaking and training events. 
 
Fay works with individuals, couples and organizations to create mindful, positive, peaceful relationships, 
both with yourself and others!
Contact Fay to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute consultation.
 
507-829-0181 or email fay@fayprairie.com
 
Your future self will thank you
for the investment you make now!!
 
Distance isn’t a factor as sessions can be by phone.
Join Fay on Facebook for 
Daily Success Strategies:
 
“Change your Mind–Change your life” 
https://www.facebook.com/PrairiePerspectives

You NEED to do this! It’s POWERFUL but SIMPLE!!

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17573308 - a picture of a young depressed woman tearing out her hair over white background

Stress is an unavoidable part of life.

Not all stress is bad for you.  Some stress helps you to perform better.
But chronic stress – the kind a lot of people face day in and day out – can be destructive.

 

The Dangers of Stress:

Up to 90% of doctors’ visits are due to stress.
When you’re stressed, the enemy–Cortisol, is running through your system all day long.
Over time, cortisol wears out your immune system and can lead to weight gain, digestive problems, cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.
Cortisol can leave you exhausted and tired–prone to mood swings and poor sleep.
 

The Effects of Chronic Stress

 

Here are 8 ways chronic stress negatively impacts your well-being.

 

1. Chronic stress makes you forgetful and emotional.

Stress decreases your ability to think factually and increases your emotional reactivity.

2. Stress  creates a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety.

3. Stress halts the production of new brain cells.

Every day you lose and create new brain cells, but cortisol halts the production of new cells being formed which can lead to a decrease in your ability to think.

4. Stress  depletes critical brain chemicals 

Chronic stress reduces serotonin and dopamine. (the feel good hormones) and can leave you depressed and more prone to anxiety, addictions, sleeping problems, binge eating, and trouble with impulse control.

5. Stress creates havoc in your relationships 

Stress predisposes you to being irritable and frustrated with other people in your life.

6. Stress zaps your thinking process

Stress can cause your brain to seize up at the worst possible times – exams, job interviews, and it diminishes your ability to problem solve.

7. Chronic stress shrinks your brain.

Stress can measurably shrink your hippocampus and prefrontal cortex which is responsible for decision making and control of impulsive behavior.
It can increase your risk for dementia and Alzheimer’s.

8. Chronic stress leads to unhappiness

It wears you down mentally and emotionally, and saps the joy from life.

Stress increases the size of your amygdala, which increases fear and anxiety.

Other Side Effects of Stress:

 

  • excessive worry and fear
  • anger and frustration
  • impatience with self and others
  • mood swings, crying spells or suicidal thoughts
  • insomnia, nightmares, disturbing dreams
  • trouble concentrating and learning new information
  • racing thoughts, nervousness
  • forgetfulness, mental confusion
  • difficulty in making decisions
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • irritability and overreaction to petty annoyances
  • excessive defensiveness or suspicion
  • increased smoking, alcohol, drug use, gambling or impulse buying

It’s no fun experiencing these stress symptoms. 

It’s no picnic for those around you either

.

Mindfulness has been proven

to help turn stress around and mitigate it’s effects on the brain. 

 

Here is one mindfulness exercise that needs to become a priority in your life.

 

Brain research has proved its benefits over and over.

 

Breathing Stress Relief Technique:

This breathing exercise stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps bring about a state of TRUE CALM.
The more you practice this, the more you will train your body to relax.
.

Diaphragmatic Breathing Exercise

1.  Sit comfortably or lie down.
2. Then slowly inhale through your nose (like you’re smelling a flower)
3. Slowly exhale through your mouth (like you’re blowing out birthday candles)
4. Do this breathing exercise 2x per day for ten to fifteen minutes to reduce stress and anxiety
Research shows that this breathing exercise will physically change the structure of your brain and help alleviate stress!
It seems so simple but don’t underestimate it’s value.

If you’d like to learn more mindfulness techniques to conquer stress and overwhelm in your life, contact Fay to learn about her 6 week mindfulness program.

e-mail: fay@fayprairie.com
.