One of the most important skills you’ll ever learn!

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Having the right skills to create healthy, thriving relationships is possibly one of the most important things you could ever learn.

How well you listen is a learned skill (and not a matter of some have it and some don’t) It can greatly increase your relationships and enable you to be immediately liked, trusted and respected. It is estimated that of the total time we spend in communication, 55% is devoted to listening

Statistics also show that a lack of communications skills can account for as much as 80% of the reason people have difficulties in their relationships.

People who do not listen well come across as uncaring or non-interested. Most people do not even know that they are not listening.

How good a listener are you??

Which roadblocks are holding you back?

Improve your listening skills and you’ll be better able to connect with everyone!! (strangers, loved ones, co-workers, kids….)

 

12 Roadblocks to Listening

 

  1. Comparing– Comparing makes it hard to listen because you’re always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, more right or wrong—you or the other.
  1. Mind Reading-The mind reader doesn’t pay much attention to what people say. In fact, he often distrusts it.  He’s trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling.
  1. Rehearsing-You don’t have time to listen when you’re rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment.
  1. Filtering-When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody’s angry, or unhappy, or if you’re in emotional danger.
  1. Judging-Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you don’t pay much attention to what they say.
  1. Dreaming-You’re half listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. Your husband says he’s upset about something you did, and in a flash you’re back to the last time he upset you.
  1. Identifying-You take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. They tell you about something you did wrong and it makes you think of all the things you think they’ve done wrong.
  1. Advising-You don’t even have to hear but a few sentences and you’re searching for all the advice that you’re going to give them—what they should and shouldn’t do.
  1. Sparring-You tend to argue and debate with people. The other person never feels heard because you’re so quick to disagree.
  1. Being Right-You will go to any lengths (twisting the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusation, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong.
  1. Derailing-This is when you suddenly change the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get uncomfortable or bored.
  1. Placating-“Right, right….Absolutely….I know” You want to be nice, pleasant and supportive. You want to please people so you just go along with what they say and agree with everything.

Which one can you see yourself in?

Become mindful and aware of what your blocks are and then start improving on them! It can make a world of difference in your relationships.  People will feel more valued, respected and connected with you.

Are your Feelings Keeping you Trapped?

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People often suggest relaxation to help deal with stress and while I recommend that too, I also know that there’s more to it than that. We have to go deeper within ourselves to truly get to the beliefs and thoughts that drive our stress.

Our stress can be caused by thoughts of anxiety. Anxiety is a thought which leads to a feeling that something bad will happen – you’ll fail or lose or get:

*Insulted
*Rejected
*Harmed
*Cheated
*Betrayed
*Depressed

Thoughts and feelings of anxiety can increase what you experience as stress.

It’s the way we deal with this anxiety that increases or decreases our levels of stress.

When we blame, deny, or avoid dealing with something, we intensify our stress.

  • Denial prolongs and intensified stress.
  • Blame strengthens stress and turns it into health-destroying resentment.

The Best Way to INCREASE Your Stress is to–
Blame Others and become Resentful towards them.

Resentment occurs when “whatever” is going wrong is perceived as someone’s fault.

Justified or not, resentment keeps us focused on damage and injury, rather than solutions and healing.

As long as we continue to focus on the “wrongs” and who’s responsible for them, we stay stuck in stress. We need to focus on “Solutions” to move out of stress.

How often during the day are you feeling resentful?

 
Resentment typically looks like:

  • impatience
  • agitation
  • annoyance
  • irritability
  • sarcasm
  • frustration

We spend more time in low-grade resentment all day than we probably realize.

 

Think about it—how often do you:

feel annoyed? Irritable? Or frustrated?

Resentment magnifies stress and it drains your energy.

 

The report you need to write takes longer, consumes more energy, and has more errors, if…

  • “It should have been assigned to someone else!”
    “This is taking so long……”
    “It’s not fair that I have so much work to do….”
    “I just don’t have the patience to get this done….”

You might enjoy taking your kids to the soccer game, if…

  • “Your spouse would take their turn once in awhile….”
    “It wasn’t so unfair that you have the bulk of household chores….”

Traffic jams are horribly stressful when you focus on what you cannot control. Resentful people focus on how things should be different:

  • How the highway should have been designed,
  • How the traffic lights are not properly synchronized, and
  • How wrong everyone else drives.

Resentment/Stress Test

Is your stress magnified by resentment? Write down the five things that cause the most stress in your life.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now take a moment to imagine that all traces of resentment have been removed from your stress:

There’s no unfairness or injustice.
Everyone involved pulls their weight.
Everyone involved lives up to their responsibilities.
You have all the help, understanding, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, respect, and affection you desire.

Take a few moments to enjoy an imaginary world without resentment.
When there’s no resentment, we tend to focus on:

• Improving
• Learning
• Appreciating more in life
• Connecting to others
• Protecting those we love

All of the above lower stress and, help us to create more feelings of “fairness” in the world.

Warning:

Change in Other People’s Behavior Won’t Alter Your Resentment

 
Resentment is like a habit and it becomes a part of who you are.

 
You start to head down the resentment road quite frequently—it’s becomes your habitual route. It helps you feel self-righteous.

In order to “let go” of resentment, you have to clean it out within yourself. You can’t just wait for other people to change. It’s an inside job that has to be resolved within you.

 
Sometimes it’s not so easy to just “let go” of resentments but you also need to crowd them out by doing the opposite.
You recondition resentment by forming new habits of improving, appreciating, connecting and protecting.

 
Each time you start to feel resentment arising in you and you want to blame and criticize someone or something, practice appreciation, practice improving love and connection inside of you vs criticism and resentment.

 

Feel Trapped? Seek Coaching.

Call or email me today for a FREE no obligation 30 minute consultation.

507-829-0181 ………..fay@fayprairie.com

Find out how coaching can help you realize your full potential in  life and relationships!

Would you go to a movie you hate over and over again?

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Do you ever find yourself replaying scenes from past conversations or situations?  Maybe you replay an argument or conversation and become upset all over again.  Maybe you replay what you said or did and feel embarassed or guilty.

 

You find you keep gravitating back to the same scenario over and over again.

Why?  Would you go to a movie you hated over and over again?

No, you wouldn’t!!

Stop yourself from repeating those conversations and situations that just cause uncomfortable feelings.  Learn what you can from them and then move on.

Just tell yourself–

  • STOP IT!
  • NO, I’M NOT GOING THERE!
  • IT’S DONE AND OVER–I DON’T NEED TO KEEP REHASHING THAT!
  • THE PAST IS IN THE PAST!
  • IT’S TIME TO LOOK FORWARD!

Some people spend so much time in the past that they truly can’t enjoy the present moment.

Research shows that people only spend about 50% of their time on the present moment.  The rest is spent on the past or the future.  Research also shows that the happiest place to be is in the present moment.

So, if you’re spending a lot of your time ruminating on the past, LET IT GO, and focus on the present moment!

If you were going on a trip and you spent the majority of your time looking out the rear view mirror versus looking forward out the windshield, what would happen?

You’d probably get in a wreck before you ever reached your destination!!  The same is true in life.  If you spend too much time thinking about the past, you’ll probably have more “wrecks” than “happiness and success.”

Continually make an effort to LET THE PAST GO and live in the PRESENT MOMENT!!

 

 

 

The ABSOLUTE most PEACEFUL place to live!! Move There NOW!!

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houseDo you ever rehearse the past? 

Have you ever replayed a difficult conversation in your mind and gotten upset all over again?

Have you ever ruminated on something you said and been “totally embarrassed?”

Have you ever replayed a situation and felt your stress and anxiety rise?

We often spend time ruminating on the past and it can be destructive to our present level peace and happiness.

Do you ever worry about the future?

Have you ever wondered how you’ll get everything done?  You’re thinking about the bills you have to pay, the house you have to clean, the things you need to finish at work, the appointments you need to make, the loved ones you need to make time for and the list goes on and one.

Spending too much time on the future can also be destructive to our peace in the present moment.

Do you ever spend your time thinking of being done with the drudgery of work so you can get to the part of life you enjoy?

With all that’s going on- it’s no wonder that we struggle with our minds spending so much time in the past or the future.

Research shows that the happiest, most content and less stressed people are the ones who spend more time living in the present moment.

Living in the present moment means that we are focused on what’s going on right here, right now.  

 

Of course, our minds will always travel to the past and future but our goal is to spend the majority of our time in the present moment.

We can’t really ever be anywhere but where we are, but our attention, our mind, travels elsewhere all the time.

 

How do we bring ourselves into the here and now?

Here are 5 practices you can use that will help pull your mind back into the present moment.

The advantages of practicing these will be, less anxiety, stress, worry, fear, doubts and insecurities AND an increase in peace, happiness, calm, faith and confidence.

Play around and discover which ones work best for you and begin to implement them in your life.

 

1) “Am I Here?”

To be here in the present moment requires you to NOT be somewhere else.

Pay attention to where your mind is.

Ask yourself, “Am I here?” Make this simple but profound question a habit.

“Am I in the past, the future or focused on the here and now?”

 

2) “The Body”

Your physical body is always in the present moment, unlike your mind which wants to be anywhere else.

Pay attention to your physical body.  Focus on your hands, fingers, feet, legs-notice how they feel-this pulls you out of your mind to the present moment.

 

3) “Sound”

Listening to sounds does the same thing.  It pulls you out of your mind and into the present moment.

“What can I hear right now?”

I hear the birds singing, the air conditioning running, the sound of the keys on the computer, etc.

 

4) “Breath”

Pay attention to your breath.  Notice the feelings and sensation when you breathe in and notice it again when you breathe out.

Focusing all your attention on your breath is one of the fastest and best ways to pull your mind out of the past/future and back to the present moment.

 

5) “No Next”

Remove the next.  Imagine that there is no next event, next task, next person or next day, next week, next job-there’s not anything to get to.

STOP your mind from preparing or getting ready for something else to come or the next thing you need to do.  There’s NO NEXT.

Completely focus

on what you are doing now.

 

Each of these practices holds the power to BOOMERANG us back into this present moment.  Discover what works for you and then make these practices a part of your daily life!

 

They are called practices because even a few moments, practiced consistently, can change your life. Each time you practice being in the present moment, you will get better and better at it.

We often miss out on enjoying our life when we spend so much time wrapped up in the past or the future-in a story that’s gone or hasn’t arrived yet.

 

Practice being in the PRESENT MOMENT and see how it can POSITIVELY change your life!

Theses practices are easy to do but remember, “that which is easy to do is also easy not to do.” 

 

Still STUCK?  Seek out Coaching!

Call or email Fay today for a FREE, NO OBLIGATION consultation to see if coaching is a right fit for you!

507-829-0181

fay@fayprairie.com