Increase your EQ when you’re upset! (Part 1)

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12338902 - a very frustrated and angry woman screaming. isolated on white.

When someone really upsets you, it’s all too easy to get overwhelmed by strong, uncomfortable feelings.

But losing control of your emotions makes responding effectively to the situation almost impossible.

Here are five strategies (look for another five in next weeks blog) to practice using when you’re feeling helplessly stressed, angry and frustrated so you don’t say or do something your regret later.

ONE

BREATHE-AND RELAX

Your whole body tightens up and your breathing speeds up when you’re upset. So as soon as you’re aware that something negative is strongly resonating within you, take several slow, deep breaths-while repeating to yourself the word “calm” or “relax”.

Slowing down your heart rate, your pulse—getting more oxygen to your muscles and organs will help lower your stress level. It will also slow down the intensity of your emotion.

Whatever you can do to relax yourself when something is deeply disturbing will help you to regain self-control. (visualize a tranquil scene such as lying on a beach while the sun shines on your body, smelling the ocean air and hearing the sound of the pleasant rhythmic waves.)

Two

IDENTIFY AND CHALLENGE THE THOUGHTS UNDERLYING YOUR UPSET.

Typically, what causes you to emotionally overreact are the exaggerated and distorted thoughts you start to believe. (the labels you put on the situation or person)

What thoughts and labels are you using that are intensifying your emotions?

Unthoughtful, stupid, dumb, ignorant, she/he’s a user, cold, miserable, uncaring, bitch, unfair, etc. Obviously these types of thoughts will intensify your stress and anger.

Ask yourself–Can I force myself [and you may really need to force yourself!] to find some positive traits in them that would help me regard them in a more favorable light-and mitigate my animosity toward them?

As tough as this is, the more you do it, the easier it will become. You will eventually find that listing any and every good thing you can think of about them (or the situation) will help to lower your frustration.

Three:

SUSPEND YOUR POINT OF VIEW-TRY TO SEE IT THROUGH THEIR EYES.

Again, when you’re upset, this can be challenging! But if you make the effort to identify with another’s viewpoint-and particularly their needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings-your upset feelings are likely to diminish.

Can you get yourself to be less self-righteous, less self-centered? Look at the bigger picture. Try to understand how they are seeing it and what their perception is.

It can alter your thinking in ways that will soften your distressed feelings.

Four:

BECOME MORE MINDFUL.

Be like a helicopter hovering over yourself and just observe yourself. What are you feeling? Where are you feeling it? (sore head, tense shoulders, tightness in stomach, clenched fist)
Be curious, notice it, watch it-don’t judge it. Just gain awareness of the feeling.
Also, be mindful of the thoughts you’re thinking. Just notice and acknowledge them.


This awareness and observation actually helps you to accept and feel the feeling which allows you to calm yourself.

The sad consequence of getting entangled in your emotions is that your best judgment is no longer available.
It’s offline, so your ability to respond wisely to whatever set you off is seriously compromised.

Remind yourself that, regardless of the strength of your feeling-or maybe because of its strength!-you don’t need to act on it.

Five:

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY BY THE FEELING.

We all know feelings can take over you in an instant if you let them.
The moment you’re conscious of how strong, or upsetting, your emotional reaction is, do a reality check.

Might you be overreacting because-unconsciously-what just happened reminded you of something earlier (maybe much, much earlier) that’s still negatively charged for you?


If so, bring yourself back to the here-and-now and reassess the situation as (in all probability) being less fearful, inflammatory, or hopeless than it initially seemed.


You’ll cope much better in the present if you can prevent past sensitivities from undermining your more mature, rational judgment.

Start practicing these first five strategies now and look for strategies 6-10 next week.

What’s your Positivity Ratio in your Relationships?

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Researchers have discovered that if you want to see improved performance in those you interact with, whether that be co-workers, students, significant other, children or family, you need a ratio of five positives to one negative.  

When the number of positive interactions outweighs the negative interactions by a ratio of 5:1, relationships thrive!

POSITIVITY is when you show support, encouragement or appreciation (“that’s a good idea”), and NEGATIVITY is when you show disapproval (“I can’t believe you just did that”), sarcasm, or cynicism.”

It may be easy to stay positive (and on your best behavior) with friends and acquaintances, but what about the people you spend the most time with?

How many times a day do you give positive feedback to someone as compared to negative? (this includes your nonverbals–eye rolling and facial expressions–body language, tone of voice) Often, your non-verbals speak louder than your verbal words.

Most of us tend to think we are more positive than we really are.  Take time to become more self-aware and track how often you are noticing and commenting on the things you appreciate versus the things you don’t like.

The GOAL is to:

“Look for the good and praise it.  In each other, in your children and family, in the world, in the people you work with, even in nature.  Speak it out loud”

CRITICIZING and CORRECTING is so EASY and NATURAL to do when someone does something we consider “wrong.”  Yet, it can strain and stress our relationships.

Make it a point to PRAISE and emphasize POSITIVE behavior.  Don’t focus your attention on the negative behavior you want to eliminate, but instead accentuate the positive behavior you want to increase!

Research has shown that kids who are dealing with difficult situations and demonstrating difficult behaviors can have their lives turned around by a caring and sensitive teacher/adult who makes them feel worthwhile by focusing on their strengths.

It’s not something we outgrow. The adults in your life need this too.

Despite all the research, catching people doing things WRONG still seems to be the norm.

Are you wearing glasses that find people’s strengths and positive attributes?

OR

Are you wearing glasses that consistently find their weaknesses and negative attributes?

To STRENGTHEN any relationship, whether at work, home or school,  whether with adults, teens or children, change what you consistently look for and what you consistently comment on. 

It can have a ripple effect!

Remember, if you want YOUR relationship to THRIVE, strive for the FIVE POSITIVES TO ONE NEGATIVE RULE!

The Thanksgiving Special

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The Thanksgiving Special

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. 

Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a “minor” automobile accident stole her joy. 

This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. 

She grieved over their loss.

Troubles had multiplied. Her husband’s company “threatened” to transfer his job to a new location. 

Her sister had called to say that she could not come on her long awaited holiday visit. 

What’s worse, Sandra’s friend suggested that Sandra’s grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” 

“For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child’s?”

“Good afternoon, can I help you?” Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.

“I…. I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving?”  Sandra nodded.  Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the ‘Thanksgiving Special’?  

I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. 

“Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, “Hi, Barbara… let me get your order.” She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. 

The lady commented, “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again.” She said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, “That lady just left with, uh…. she left with no flowers!”

“That’s right, said the clerk. “I cut off the flowers. That’s the ‘Special’. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk. “For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.”

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, “WHY? WHY Me?!” It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort! 

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry.”

Just then someone else walked in the shop. “Hey, Phil!” the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. “My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement… twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?”

“No… I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but we trudged through problem after problem. 

We rescued our marriage. Jenny (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from “thorny” times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks for what that problem taught us.” 

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life.” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too… fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?”

Do you curse the thorns or celebrate the roses?

If you focus on thorns, you will see more and more of the thorny problems that are all around you. Your focus will make them seem larger than they actually are, and more frequent than they actually are. 

You will also find ways to turn non-thorns into thorns, in your mind’s eye.

That doesn’t mean thorns don’t exist if you focus on the roses, but you are less likely to become obsessed with the presence of thorns everywhere if you aren’t focused on them. 

However, obsessing on the roses may cause you to be a little less cautious among the thorns.

Author Unknown

You could benefit from cutting back on these Seven Words!

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Last week I talked about 5 phrases to cut back on in your vocabulary and this week it’s Seven Words that could be beneficial for you to cut back on using in your vocab… 

Like I said last week, language can intensify your stress, anxiety or guilt which means that when you change your language it can also lessen your stress, anxiety or guilt. 

 The language you use is more  powerful than you realize. 

It may benefit you to taper back on using the following seven words. 

Word #1: ALWAYS

  • “You’re ALWAYS late.”
  • “You ALWAYS do that.”
  • “I ALWAYS get taken advantage of.”

Certainly, there may be many times when “always” feels accurate. 

But other times, it keeps you in a cycle of believing that things can’t get better, or it prevents you from extending some patience and understanding to someone who has slipped up.

Does it really ALWAYS happen??

Do they really ALWAYS do that??

The people you are in relationships with don’t like to hear that they ALWAYS do this or that. 

It’s also not good for you to say that you ALWAYS do somethings.

  • “I ALWAYS mess up.”
  • “I ALWAYS overeat.”
  • “I ALWAYS say something wrong.”
  • “I ALWAYS give in. 

Start watching your use of the word ALWAYS and see if you could benefit from using it less..

Try using SOMETIMES…ON OCCASION

Sometimes or on occasion they do this or that.

Sometimes or on occasion–I do this or that. 

Word #2 NEVER

“NEVER” can do equal damage when it is used to get rid of hope, flexibility, or the benefit of the doubt.

“NEVER” isn’t true very often and it’s rarely helpful.

  • “They NEVER help out.”
  • “They NEVER say they’re sorry.”
  • “They NEVER do it right.”

Sometimes people use NEVER in a negative way towards their own life.

  • “I NEVER catch a break,”
  • “I NEVER know what to say.”
  • “I NEVER do well in presentations.”
  • “I’ll NEVER figure it out.”
  • “Things will NEVER get better.”
  • “I’ll NEVER be able to do what I want.”

Word #3-“EVERYTHING”

“Everything” is often unhelpful when it is used to make a mountain out of a molehill.

It can be so tempting to say that “everything” is going wrong.

When you say EVERYTHING is going wrong, it can start to feel like “everything” is going wrong, and that itself can prevent you from seeing what is going right.

It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you’ll see things as going wrong that really weren’t so bad.

Did EVERYTHING really go wrong or was it just one or two things that went wrong?

Word #4 TOTALLY

  • “This job TOTALLY stinks”
  • “Something’s TOTALLY wrong with her”
  • “My house is TOTALLY a pigsty.”

When you use the word “TOTALLY” you blind yourself from seeing the positives of a situation or a person, putting on filters that keep out the good in order to align with your already established perspective that recognizes the bad – which keeps you stuck.

You keep seeing things–

  • that prove your job sucks-
  • reasons why she’s defective
  • proof your house is a pigsty.

Word #5 “RUINED”

Sure, some things in life get completely ruined: like your phone when it goes through the washing machine, but the word “RUINED” is also often used to catastrophize things that don’t need to be catastrophized.

Have you ever accused your partner or children of “RUINING” a special event?

“Now, you’ve RUINED everything!”

Have you ever had a setback on a personal project you were working on and thought that it was now all “RUINED”?

“I’ll never be able to get this project done–it’s completely RUINED.”

It may be helpful in those situations to reframe the experience.

Is there a new path you take now that will help you learn something?

Even though it may no longer be the exact way you saw it going in your own mind, is it really ruined?

Maybe it will just look and be different than what you thought.

Maybe it will be better.

Are there aspects of the situation that can be salvaged in a positive way?

If so, then nothing’s truly RUINED. 

Look for the silver lining instead of catastrophising.

Word # 6–“EVERYONE or  NO ONE”

Do you generalize, especially negatively, to assume that “NO ONE” uses their turn signal anymore, or “EVERYONE” around here is a terrible driver. 

  • “Everyone leaves this place a pigsty.”
  • “No one picks up after themselves.”
  • “Everyone around here is crazy.” (or lazy)
  • “No one understands.” (or cares)

It’s kinda like always or never. It can make you feel like it’s you against everyone else.

Really–NO ONE does?

Really–EVERYONE does?

Word #7–“ANYMORE”

As with the other words, there are times when this word can be used in positive ways: like– I don’t do that bad habit anymore.

But other times, it can be used to bring you down.

  • “People just aren’t as nice ANYMORE.”
  • “I’m not good at X ANYMORE.”
  • “No one around here cares ANYMORE.”
  • “It just won’t ever be the same ANYMORE.”
  • “Kids just aren’t like that ANYORE.”

To assume that something positive just can’t happen ANYMORE, or that things have changed for the worse, denies you the opportunity to have hope for the future.

How often are you using these words?

Always

Never

Everything

Totally

Ruined

Everyone or No one

Anymore

What context are you using them in?

Could it benefit you to change your usage of these words?

Your Words Matter!