Are you guilty
Of being a CONFLICT AVOIDER??
Why should you be concerned?
Conflict Avoidance is one of the #1 problems in our relationships……
What it looks like
Do you avoid conversations because you don’t want to upset someone?
You don’t want to rock the boat?
People who dread and avoid conflict often visualize it going ‘terrible’..
They can just feel how uncomfortable it will be.
It can be ‘scary’ or ‘unnerving’ to have ‘those’ talks.
You might avoid conversations because you prefer to be seen as the “nice person”, and you’ve been programmed to believe that bringing up ‘uncomfortable’ topics isn’t ‘nice’.
This leads to you to endure and tolerate uncomfortable situations instead of communicating about issues openly.
Why it’s not helpful
When you deliberately sidestep conversations for fear of disappointing others or fear of how they will react, you end up pushing a lot of your feelings deep down inside of you.
Bottled up emotions can even lead to diseases in your body. (cancer, heart disease, more colds and flus—mind-body connection)
Ignoring distressing emotions can also lead to feelings of lonliness, disconnection and sadness.
Not being able to sleep.
Higher levels of stress/tension/negativity in your life and relationships.
It might seem like avoidance helps but it causes more harm in the long run.
Five Strategies to overcome it
#1 Reframe Confrontation
Disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean “fighting.” Keep in mind that it’s not about blaming the other person or proving who’s right and wrong in a given situation.
It’s about standing up for yourself and communicating when you feel angry or frustrated.
A new reframe is that it’s a CAREFRONTATION versus a CONFRONTATION.
You CARE–that’s why you are having the conversation.
#2 Make a plan
Take time to make a plan so you don’t totally regret how and what you said.
Rehearse concise points you’d like to get across to a boss, co-worker, partner, child, in-law so you’ll be more likely to say productive and useful words versus rambling on and on.
Clearly define what you’d like to resolve and take time to write down the different ways you could share how you are feeling and thinking.
#3 Use your senses to quickly relieve stress/tension.
If you feel yourself getting ‘all worked up’ and fear your emotions might start getting the best of you,
Use your senses to pull you back to safety.
Sight—look around in the room and notice the color of paint, the pictures on the wall, or notice the other persons hair, clothes, eyes.
This really can bring you back to earth.
Hearing-What sounds are in the room? What does the person’s voice sound like?
Smell-Is there a smell in the room?
(Some people even put on an essential oil previous to the conversation and purposely smell it when they start to feel the tension—it’s their reminder ‘reset’ to calm themselves down)
Touch-touch your clothes, touch the chair.
This helps get you ‘out of your head’ and back into the present moment which helps you to remain relaxed and in control of yourself.
#4 Recognize and manage your feelings
Being aware of how your emotions impact you can help you gain a greater understanding of yourself and others.
Before carefrontation, try examining and questioning your feelings.
Get curious about your emotions.
Be a private detective to understand what’s going on.
Tell yourself:
- “It’s OK to feel however I’m feeling at this moment — my emotions are valid.”
- “I am worthy and deserving of being heard.”
- “Expressing my thoughts and feelings is important.”
#5 Resolve issues in real-time
Rather than procrastinate and endlessly replay the issue in your head, which just allows the uncomfortable feelings to fester more, have the conversation sooner than later.
You can start by stating the issue non-emotionally and using fact-based sentences like,
“When you said/did___________
I automatically felt _________________.
Or the result of what was done is__________________________.
What I’d really like moving forward in the future is____________________.
When to get help
While it can be tempting to bottle up feelings like anger and frustration by not rocking the boat, conflict-avoiding tendencies can take a toll on your mental health.
All that pent up frustration isn’t good for you.
Learning carefrontation skills is definitely a MUST for improving the relationship you have with yourself and others.
Here’s the link to a facebook live I did that will help you make changes in this area. Facebook
The bottom line
Conflict is a part of our life. It’s not going away unless you go live in a cave all by yourself.
And while we might never be completely comfortable with confrontation, (or carefrontation) being able to resolve issues effectively means accepting it as something we do to keep ourselves and our relationships ‘healthy’….
It won’t happen overnight. But you can take small steps each day toward feeling more comfortable facing your fears and communicating your thoughts and feelings.
Take the first step and Email me at fay@fayprairie.com to set up a FREE consultation so you can learn more about how coaching can help you to have ‘healthy’ and ‘fulfilling’ relationships.
