A man and a woman were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.  They loved each other very much and the years had been good to them.  For their entire marriage, the man had always given his wife the heel of bread from the bread loaf.  Whether it was a sandwich, garlic bread or toast she always got the heel.

“Why can’t I ever get the soft middle of the bread?” she’d stew.  “Why does he always keep the best part for himself?”

The morning of their anniversary, he again gave her the heel of bread.  She couldn’t keep quiet any longer and with tears she said, “I thought maybe for our anniversary you would be able to eat the heel of the bread and give me a different piece.  Why do you always give me the heel?  I hate the heel.  I like the soft middle of the bread.

Her husband replied, “I’ve always given it to you because it’s my favorite part.”

He assumed that because he loved it, she would too.  She assumed that he knew it wasn’t the good piece and that’s why he always gave it to her.  They both had their own meaning which in their own eyes was true.

How many things in your own relationship have you been assuming were the truth??

We’re often not near as good at mind reading as we think we are!!

How often do you make assumptions?

An assumption is something we assume to be true or certain to happen without proof.

Jon ignored Jen most of the day.  Jen assumed he was angry with her.  Could her assumption be wrong?  Could there be another reason Jon didn’t talk to her?

Since Jen assumed her thoughts to be true, she responded back to him with resentment, distance and angry feelings.  This caused Jon to make assumptions about Jen and he also pulled away from her.

This vicious circle leads to an escalation of problems and distance in relationships.

It turns out that Jon had a serious argument with his wife that morning and was feeling extremely anxious and agitated about his whole personal situation.  It had nothing to do with Jen.

Problems occur when you assign a deliberate negative intent to someone’s behavior.

Next time, check it out.

Jen could have said, “You seem upset, Jon–did I do something to offend you?” Maybe Jen would have given Jon the opportunity to open up and help his day go better.  or “You seem upset, is there anything I can do to help?” Jon would have felt like someone cared.

You know the old saying: When you assume you make an ass out of u and me (ass u me)

Compassionate Listening is a way of listening so we truly “hear” to understand what the other person is saying, thinking and feeling.

Often times we hear, but are we really listening?  It takes an active, conscious effort to compassionately listen to someone.  Why is it important?

When we communicate with others in a way that helps them feel understood, it promotes a deeper connection with them.  When they feel listened to, it lowers stress and irritability.

Compassionate Listening can help anyone to deal with troublesome situations whether its with colleagues at work, romantic partners or your children at home.  Some ways of communicating push people away, this pulls you closer to each other.

Here’s a few tips you can use to help you start using compassionate listening in your relationships.

1. STOP TALKING AND LISTEN–So often we want to start giving advice, tell them how they are wrong and they need to think differently, or we jump in too soon with questions and comments.  Remind yourself to just LISTEN.
2. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND–Our mind starts to judge, think, criticize, and wander all around.  Continue to pull your attention back and remind yourself to LISTEN to what the other person is saying.
3.  REFLECT BACK TO THEM WHAT THEY ARE SAYING–Ask them, “is this what you mean?” As you listen to truly understand, then check it out to see if you do really understand what they are saying.
4. VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS-Let them know that you understand how they are feeling.  “That must have been really difficult.”  “I bet you were furious.” “You must have been disappointed.” “You seem really anxious about it.”

Remember that sometimes people need someone to listen to them more than they need someone to solve their problems.  Don’t ever underestimate the value of just being there to listen to someone.  It’s a great gift!

How often do people truly listen to us?  How does it make you feel when someone is totally present and listening to you?

What are three ways you can use the “F” word to be more positive?

1.Decide to develop the habit of FOCUSING on what’s right and not on what’s wrong. FOCUS on what you have instead of what you don’t have.  You may know this, but are you doing it?  It’s easy to give it lip service, but more difficult to do.  You have to consistently work on training and developing your brain to do this because if you don’t you will go into the automatic state that most people in society are in–FOCUSING on what’s wrong and what they don’t have.

2. Decide to develop the habit of FOCUSING on what’s right about people.  When you FOCUS on how people irritate you, how they’ve wronged you, how they aren’t good enough, or what you don’t like about them, there’s a good chance you will also be FOCUSING on what’s wrong with you.  The critical, judgmental focus is a habit and when you do it to others, you also tend to do it to yourself. Make a conscious effort to over ride the judging habit and FOCUS on what you like, what you admire, and FOCUS on understanding their situation. Be more curious and helpful and less judgmental! Free yourself from the disease of making other people wrong!

3. Decide to develop the habit of FOCUSING on what you appreciate! No matter what the negative situation is, you can always find something to appreciate! Even in the toughest of times, you have to FOCUS on what you can learn, on how this can positively impact your life, and how you can improve and advance yourself from this situation!

There are lots of the “F” word here and it’s so important and so powerful!  This “F” word alone can change your life.  We aren’t denying that there are issues and problems, but what’s important is what you FOCUS on–PROBLEMS OR SOLUTIONS?