Words can build connection—or tear it apart.
Most of us don’t realize how often the words we use in moments of frustration can quietly damage the relationships we care most about.
In my coaching work, I see this all the time: someone is trying to express a need, a hurt, or a desire…
But instead of creating understanding, they accidentally trigger defensiveness, distance, or a full-blown fight.
Here are 5 common phrases that can harm connection—and what to say instead if you want more trust, safety, and emotional closeness in your relationships.
1. “Why can’t you be more like ___?”
Why it backfires:
Comparing your partner, child, or anyone to someone else sends a hidden message:
- “You’re not good enough.”
- “I wish you were different.”
- “I’m not happy with who you are.”
It creates shame and resentment—two ingredients guaranteed to shut down connection.
Try this instead:
“I’d really appreciate it if you’d spend 15 minutes helping clean up the house each night.”
“It would mean a lot to me if you made more of an effort to be on time.”
Speak to the behavior you need—without using someone else as a measuring stick.
2. “You shouldn’t feel that way. Just get over it.”
Why it backfires:
This phrase invalidates someone’s emotional experience, making them feel unseen, misunderstood, and alone.
Try this instead:
“I can see you’re really upset.”
“That must have been painful.”
“I get why you’d feel that way.”
Validating emotions isn’t the same as agreeing—it’s about creating space for their humanity.
3. “You do it too!”
Why it backfires:
This reactive comeback may feel justified, but it shifts focus away from what the other person is expressing and puts you both on the defense.
It turns a moment for connection into a courtroom battle.
Try this instead:
“Tell me more about how that felt for you.”
“I want to understand your experience first.”
Let the desire for a better relationship be more important than being right.
4. “What about the time you…?”
Why it backfires:
Bringing up the past as ammunition blocks growth. It keeps both people stuck in a loop of old wounds.
Try this instead:
“Let’s focus on what’s happening right now.”
“I don’t want to bring up the past—I want us to move forward.”
Focusing on the present helps build emotional safety and trust.
5. “You never make time for me.” / “You always put others first.”
Why it backfires:
Statements that start with “You” and include words like always or never instantly trigger defensiveness. They feel like personal attacks.
Try this instead:
“I feel lonely when we don’t get time together.”
“I’d really like us to have more one-on-one time each week.”
Use “I” statements and be specific. Speak from your feelings—not accusations.
Final Thought:
No relationship is perfect.
But if changing the way you speak could improve connection 75% of the time—isn’t that worth it?
Small changes in communication can make a big difference in how safe, seen, and supported both people feel.
💬 Want Help Communicating with Confidence?
💬 Want to Feel Heard, Understood, and Connected Again?
If communication feels tense, one-sided, or like you’re always walking on eggshells, I can help.
I teach practical, emotionally smart tools that bring clarity, calm, and connection back to your conversations.
👉 Book your free consultation here: www.talk2fay.com
👉 Let’s talk about what’s going on and develop a plan for you.
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